The Cost of Confession by Feable
by yoplait2000
Summary: He should never have told her. The image of her face was burnt into his memory forever- hard and inerasable.
1. Chapter 1

Title: ST:Voyager - The Cost of Confession - part one  
Rating: PG-13  
Summary: The Doctor learns the cost of confession.  
Spoilers: Endgame, Renaissance Man  
Feedback: Fleable...  
Disclaimer: No infringement intended. Star Trek Voyager and her crew  
belong to Paramount. This is a parody.

*************************  
The Cost of Confession - part one  
By Fleable

He should never have told her. The image of her face was burnt into  
his memory forever- hard and inerasable. The quirk of her eyebrow, the  
implant tilting, the derisive curve of her lip and the sound of her  
voice. Forever.

"Doctor." She began, her eyes glinting with impatience after her  
initial incredulity wore off, "Your sentiments are irrelevant. You are  
a hologram. I am an organic life form." She paused and assessed him  
with disdain, before returning to her task, her fingers dancing over  
the console as she spoke, leaving him to crumble on his knees. "We  
cannot procreate, therefore, the pursuit of a romantic relationship  
between us would be an exercise in futility." Her voice crawled like  
acid on his skin, searing straight through him. "It would be  
inappropriate for me to- Doctor?"

Somehow he got to his feet and ended up in sickbay. Stripped raw by  
shame and embarrassment, knowing he had made a complete fool of  
himself - again... and that he had done it publicly this time and not  
once that day, not only in front of Seven, but numerous times.

That was two weeks ago… and a lot had changed… quadrants had changed.  
B'elanna Torres had efficiently restored his system files and he was  
no longer under any threat of degradation. The Borg had come and go,  
history had changed and Seven was alive… Of course that only made  
matters worse. By the end of it all he *wanted* to vanish forever. How  
could he live down his confession to Seven? How could he go on seeing  
her in Sickbay checking her implants and condition until Voyager  
reached Earth? How could he go on, knowing she saw him as nothing more  
than a rather pathetic projection of shadow and light? Not a real  
person, not a man, not a potential mate. He did not know what hurt  
more, Seven's callous rejection of him or the innate sense of his own  
stupidity. On returning to Sickbay he wanted to cry or hit something,  
but holograms did not do that. He had simply locked the doors and held  
himself stiffly against a console, Holograms were not real, did not  
feel and did not care, he recited this in his head as a wave of  
Mozart's Requiem swelled in the background and swept over him, but it  
was no use, this time music held no release for him.

The memory of her face kept jarring him from his work, from his  
duties, from himself. Remembering, he sank his head down on the  
tabletop, ignoring the data stream on the Padd and sighed, it was  
still painful. He supposed it would ache like that for months, a slow  
cold flame that licked at his heart, consuming it bit by bit. He was  
familiar with such hurt. It was a similar pain to when Kes left the  
first time and the bittersweet loss of Danara's - but much worse -  
much, much worse... He could hardly breath. God, he loved her and she-

He refused to think any further about Seven's infatuation with  
Chakotay. It was disturbing and disgusting, somehow perverse to him...  
They had shown no overt interest in each other. Yes, Seven had  
experimented with a holographic version of the Commander, but when had  
the reality become set in stone? It was rushed and perverse and wrong.  
But that was how she sees you, a voice told him calmly. She sees you  
as wrong. He twisted his chin away at the thought and cleared his  
throat of the ache.

Maybe it was wrong to have allowed him to grow and become so  
enlightened? Maybe with Voyagers imminent return to Earth he had  
outlived his usefulness and drone like he should sacrifice himself for  
the greater good? Two deep lines burrowed in the gap between his  
eyebrows and the lines at the sides of his mouth darkened. Barclay  
wanted to see him. He set his face grimly, he owed the man that much.

Suddenly he shook his head and trying to be jolly, he laughed at  
himself. Of course half the ship would know by now that he had  
confessed his love to Seven and- the facade of good humour faded away.  
He angrily straightened up and picked up a Padd, glanced at it and  
tossed it aside. In his impulsiveness he did not have the foresight to  
be discrete before he told her - and the security detail that was  
present. It was always the small mistakes that cost him dearly. Was he  
so self-absorbed? So hard programmed to learn?

With a dreadful sense of emptiness the Doctor contemplated being  
professionally pleasant to Seven and Chakotay.

There was no doubt in his mind that Seven had revealed his little  
confession to the Commander. He had seen the proof since, when they  
all attended the senior officer debriefing in Janeway's Ready Room.  
Both the Commander and Seven considered him with an air of cool  
clinical detachment much as a child would as it pulls the wings of  
flies... it was gut-wrenching... and totally unnecessary.

It did not surprise him to find that Seven possessed such haughtiness,  
only that he suddenly disliked it intensely. The smug smirks she and  
Chakotay exchanged made his fists clench and teeth ache from pressure.  
The way they touched and shared intimacies as they walked or spoke...  
it was as if he were in his own personal version of hell and they were  
his personal tormentors.

He puffed out his chest; they were probably sniggering at him behind  
his back right now - along with rest of the crew. Being a laughing  
stock wasn't a new thing for the Doctor. He was just more aware of it  
now than when he was younger and less attuned to the feelings of  
others. Exhaling in defeat, he propped his head up on a hand and  
rubbed his brow. All the jokes Tom Paris spread about holograms  
throughout the ship and the sidelong looks he garnered were probably  
the true estimation of his worth and value. There was also the blatant  
way Captain Janeway treated him- at times paying lip service to his  
'rights as an individual' while at others, having Torres rip him to  
shreds. He was a joke of a man, a fake, a copy and a perversity....  
that's how they saw him. That's how she saw him... He wasn't worth  
their time or humanity.

"Hey ya Doc." It was Tom Paris reporting for duty.

He had not heard him come in and quite frankly could care less. He  
watched as Paris went about humming happily and putting away the  
sterilised instruments. "Great news about getting home, eh Doc?" Tom  
ventured, "Bet you can't wait to get to go to the Zimmerman Project?"

The Doctor shrugged and put on a brave face... He was good at that, he  
was only a hologram after all and they excelled in pretence. "Yes." He  
replied airily, feeling as if someone had punched a hole in his matrix  
and left him ruined. "How about you and Lt Torres, looking forward to  
showing off your daughter in the Alpha quadrant?"

Tom smiled proudly, "Yep. We're having a naming ceremony tomorrow. All  
the crew's invited. Want to come?"

The Doctor's smile froze, but he recovered quickly. If there was one  
thing he did not want to see that would be Seven and Chakotay in a  
social setting. "Ahhh." His gaze darting nervously about the room, nor  
did he want the embarrassment of standing alone in a room full of  
people being whispered about. "Thank you Mr Paris I'd love to." He  
lied, knowing full well that there would be some pressing matter in  
Sickbay to detain him.

"Great." Tom replied, giving him the time and place, "Bring yourself,  
Doc." He added with a feral smile. "And a date."

**********************************  
The following day…

The ship was running on skeleton crew. The engine room was quiet, the  
bridge hummed with a quiet efficiency, the sickbay was empty and only  
one holodeck was operating. It appeared everyone was attending Tom and  
B'elanna's daughters naming ceremony.

The doctor sat in the holodeck. The room was dark and rolling  
orchestral music moved through the air. He was sitting in a plush  
square easy chair, his face blank, the forced smile gone, his eyes and  
thoughts faraway. The music reached crescendo and he shifted as if  
waking from sleep, rose from the chair and exhaled tiredly.

"Computer end program." He instructed, the music stopped and the  
holodeck's grid solidified about him. "Begin Paris 0144A." Sandrine's  
evolved about him... and a waitress approached.

"Drink?" She asked.

He nodded, why not? "House white." He replied with a small smile  
moving to a barstool.

He could have checked his internal chronometer to find out how long he  
sat there listening to the quiet click of pool balls behind him and  
the synthetic conversation of synthetic people when the holodeck's  
door opened and Tom Paris appeared.

"So there you are, Doc." The man said amiably enough, approaching the  
doctor at the bar, his eyes shifting sideways to take in the pool  
game. "See you've been using my program again." He quipped, quickly  
ordering a synthol from the barkeep. "I got worried when you didn't  
show at the ceremony. Thought there was something up at the  
Sickbay..." He added, sipping the drink the barkeep poured and eyeing  
the doc beside him. "What you doing hanging out here?"

The Doctor did not meet his eyes, just rubbed his thumb and fingers  
together in thought and replied, "Spending time with my own people."

Tom Paris blinked and huffed. "These guys? Hey, I've seen more life in  
a -"

"Replicator?" The Doctor interrupted bitterly, "Android? An EMH?"

"Hey." Tom's face grew serious. "What's going on here, Doc? You've  
been weird for nearly three weeks! We're going home! It's time to  
celebrate!"

The doctor looked at the man and felt himself shrinking to a single  
photon. "You're going home, Mr Paris." He said. "I'm going nowhere."

"What?"

"Look at me! I'm a hologram, Mr Paris!" He replied, "I'm not  
recognised by the Federation as an entity or an individual with rights  
or privileges! I will be owned, exchanged, recompiled, updated,  
erased-" His voice broke as unbidden an image of Seven's laughing face  
came into his head. "No doubt, Mr Paris, you have heard what occurred  
when I thought I was decompiling?"

"Yeah, so-"

The Doctor sat back and lifted his chin; "I said things that I now  
regret."

"Only because you risked knowing the answer." Tom got in quickly and  
then patted the doctor's shoulder. "Hey, come on. We've all made fools  
of ourselves, especially where women are concerned. What's that got to  
do with going home?"

The Doctor looked up to the mirror above the bar and sadly shook his  
head. So he had heard then. He was to become another holograghic joke  
for Mr Paris' collection.

"Please," he said softly bending his head over his hands, "Can you  
leave me alone."

******************************  
to be continued??????????????????????????????????????


	2. Chapter 2

Please point out any glaring errors in this part.  
I have not seen the finale and this is just my interpretation of what  
happens now that Voyager has reached Earth.  
Fleab

Disclaimers: see Part One...

***************************  
The Doctor looked up to the mirror above the bar and sadly shook his  
head. So he had heard then. He was to become another holograghic joke  
for Mr Paris' collection.

"Please," he said softly bending his head over his hands, "Can you  
leave me alone."

******************************

The space dock loomed large in the mess hall's window. Lights strobed  
along the scaffolding, illuminating the battered hull of the Starship  
Voyager.

He could see the ship's reflection shimmering in the dock's numerous  
portholes, mirrored in the watery surface of the metal walls and as  
the sun was eclipsed by the moon, he could see beyond the construct,  
the rising swirled orb of Earth.

Home, sweet home… for some.

For the last hour and a half the Doctor had stood politely by the  
large window appearing to be intimately involved in the Voyager's  
homecoming celebration. He was not, he had not been, and the tight  
smile he had on his face remained fixed as he turned to look darkly  
outside.

He could hear her laughter from over the other side of the room. It  
drew his attention and ran icy fingers up his spine leaving a burning  
ache behind. She was stunning of course, what else could she be?  
Blonde tresses loose about her face, dressed in a form fitting red  
dress, beautiful, happy, eyes sparkling… in love. His eyes slid over  
to Chakotay and he felt a sudden hatred for the man. The Commander  
looked handsome, content and relaxed, having forsaken his Star Fleet  
uniform; Chakotay had resumed his Maquis dress and with it the  
civilian lifestyle. All in all he was remarkably sedate for a man who  
had to stand before the Federation Council tomorrow and explain how  
and why he had performed acts of terror, the Doctor thought  
acerbically. Look at him. Casually dressed in a black suit, handsome,  
that macho tattoo above a sardonic brow… the woman of his dreams by  
his side.

Chakotay shifted closer to Seven and the Doctor jerked his gaze away,  
as if afraid they were aware of his stare, seeing the Commander smugly  
drape his arm about Seven's slim waist in an act of possession,  
claiming her as his made him wish for the vacuum of space. He caught  
his face reflected in the view screen and saw the jealous glower. If  
he had any real teeth they would be ground down by now! Unnerved he  
pretended to sip the wine he held in his hands in an attempt to loosen  
the lock he had of his jaw. It worked… until Seven's laugh filled the  
air again and set his hackles rising.

He was only here as a favour to the Captain. She had asked all the  
remaining senior officers to attend. The other ranks, the Maquis, the  
criminal Betazoid had disembarked days ago when the quarantine had  
been lifted and the ship declared safe… Those left behind had been  
essential to the ship's systems… and if there was one thing that the  
Doctor knew now, that was it… He was just a ship's system.

He could have left Voyager, he supposed? Perhaps it would have made a  
fuss? But the truth was he had nowhere to go and he no longer cared.  
He was stuck until Star Fleet decided what to do with him.

Bitterly he assessed his reflection, he couldn't even escape the  
uniform! He was wearing formal dress with no rank pips on its collar,  
a half empty glass of wine in his hand and the holoemitter on his  
shoulder. He looked as stiff and pompous as a cardboard cut out! What  
a parody of a man. And a joke of a Star Fleet officer.

Again Seven's tinkling laugh pierced the air and Commander Chakotay's  
rumbled up with hers. A group of Maquis and Star fleet crew surrounded  
the lovers in amiable conversation. Seven was quite the hit… A  
stunning curiosity everyone wanted to know… The Borg reclaimed by her  
humanity… the ghost that had taken over the machine. A changeling new  
found and bought back into the fold… so unlike him, so new and  
strange… She was Ariel and he was Caliban.

The doctor quickly glanced down at his hands as they grasped the  
glass, once they had been considered state of the art, the finest  
surgeons hands in the known galaxy. They were skilled… skilled enough  
to remove Borg technology… He should never have removed that implant  
he thought indignantly and he should never have to be subjected to  
this! One hour of polite brush-offs, one hour of blank stares, one  
hour of being reminded how defunct he was. Only Tuvok had spoken to  
him, introducing his mate and thanking him for preserving his sanity.  
Everyone else was too involved with friends, family or petty Star  
Fleet officials to speak to him.

Another unsuspecting Star Fleet officer aimed at him and he rolled his  
eyes in disgust.

"Hi-" She began.

"I'm the holographic doctor." He told her bluntly, tired of pretending  
to be civil. He did not want to prolong the agony, almost gratified he  
saw the now familiar glaze come over the woman's pretty face as she  
blinked, looked away and found something more interesting over on the  
other side of the room.

They really did not know what to do with him! He shook his head, his  
mouth suddenly cruel. Some stammered out a few more words before  
realised they were having a conversation with an outmoded computer  
projection and embarrassed walked away. Others were less civil,  
dismissing him as easily as an insect under foot. Only Reg Barclay had  
spoken in any great depth to him and his conversation was telling.

"Boy!" The engineer had said, his excitement vibrating through his  
body, "I would love to get inside your system and really see what  
makes you tick!"

"Really?" The Doctor replied, trying to be pleasant, his gaze darting  
about the room.

"Yes! Down to the binary level, see how all your additional experience  
translated into programming! Dissect you-"

"Dissect me?" The Doctor repeated blandly.

"Yes. Really get inside you!"

"And if I decided to cut you open and examine your insides, Mr  
Barclay? How would you feel?"

The engineer stopped and flapped his mouth like a landed fish. "I- I -  
I wouldn't like it."

"How insightful." And their conversation terminated just as Admiral  
Paris raised another toast to the crew of Voyager and Captain Janeway  
took up the podium in polite scatter of applause to deliver her long  
awaited speech.

**************************

"Hello?" A woman's voice broke him from his reverie and he half turned  
his head to find a dark haired woman at his side.

Sighing in exasperation, he began. "I'm the holog-"

"Holographic Doctor. Yes, Reg Barclay told me." The woman smiled and  
came fully into his line of vision. "I'm Deanna Troi, a friend of  
Reg's." She offered him her hand and before he knew it he was shaking  
it.

"You were ship's counsellor on the Enterprise under Picard?" He should  
have guessed, initially he thought her human, but as he looked he  
could see she by her eyes she was Betazoid.

"Yes." She smiled not at all surprised that he would know. "That's  
right. I'm on sabbatical on Earth. I teach at the Academy." She added  
with a warm and friendly smile, removing her hand with an easy  
friendliness.

"It's nice to meet you Counsellor." He said, taking a sip his drink  
and mildly panicked as to why this woman wanted to speak to him. It  
quickly became apparent.

"Reg asked me to have a word with you." She whispered and his eyes  
widened. "He was afraid he had offended you earlier."

"He did." Thinking, it was nothing compared to the rest of this crowd.  
"That man suffers from Asperger's syndrome." He added succinctly.

"He just has difficulty with dealing with real people." Deanna  
explained. "He gets nervous and says things… or stammers and doesn't  
say anything! He is a very good engineer."

"Of that I have no doubt." The Doctor replied. "But you forget  
Counsellor, I'm not a real person." His voice grew unintentionally  
hard. "I'm a hologram. He doesn't have to worry about offending me.  
After all I can simply be switched off and restarted afresh, no  
memories, no emotions, no history… a clean slate!" His smile was  
deadly.

Deanna tilted her head, not buying into his emoting and asked  
directly. "Why are you so angry?"

The unexpected question made him pause and swallow down the lump in  
his throat. "I- I'm not!" He lied, lifting his chin belligerently.  
"I'm- I'm bored!"

The Counsellor shook her head, making him shift his gaze uncomfortably  
under her scrutiny. He flicked a glance at her as she chose a  
chocolate strawberry from a passing tray and popped it in her mouth,  
then, just as quickly looked away.

"She's very beautiful." Deanna said through fingers over her mouth,  
indicating Seven and simultaneously drawing his eye to the ex-Borg. "I  
can see why you love her."

The air that he moved into the hollow cavities in his thorax stopped  
flowing. He ducked his head and turned a frankly beseeching look on  
Deanna, his voice dropping to a hush. "Who told you? Was it Tom  
Paris?"

"Tom Paris, Admiral Paris' son? No…" Slightly taken aback, the woman  
lightly touched his hands. "No one told me Doctor. I'm a trained  
observer I couldn't miss it if I tried. Why? Are you afraid of being  
found out?"

"No," he replied honestly. "I'm afraid of being humiliated..." She  
smiled in understanding, as he muttered, "But, no doubt, it will  
happen again."

"Why do you say that?" Deanna's eyes widened.

His dark brows puzzled together, a crease forming between them. "Have  
you seen how every other Star Fleet official has treated me this  
evening?" His eyes betrayed the angry fear he had fought so long to  
hide. "They don't know what to do with me!" He watched as Barclay took  
a glass of wine from a tray and promptly spilt it on the floor. "I'm  
probably going to end up as some side show attraction at the Academy,"  
he continued, "Or worse…" Barclay was now scrambling about on the  
floor chasing an olive, "in your friend Barclay's lab being  
unravelled like a ball of string!"

Deanna looked from Reg, who had regained his feet with a triumphant  
grin, to the assembled crowd. Her expression darkened and she gave the  
doctor a look of genuine sympathy. "It's hard for them to see you as  
one thing, when-" She paused searching for the word, "your kind is  
used as entirely another."

"My kind? I have no kind! I'm not a holographic beach bunny!" The  
doctor hissed with a sudden vehemence that made Deanna reach out and  
touch his trembling arm, the wine in his glass had spilt down his  
fingers and onto his uniform, but he was not to be calmed so easily,  
his frustration had reached boiling point. "Nor am I a miner! I'm a  
doctor! I'm a photonic life form! I think! I feel! I can leave this  
ship!" His voice had risen with his temper. "I have grown beyond the  
limits of my programming! I know what is in my heart! I am an  
individual! I deserve the same rights and privileges of any  
cognoscente life form! I deserve-"

He did not know he was shouting until he felt the stillness in the air  
about him. He turned to see every set of eyes in the room upon him.  
Catching glimpses of faces: the Admiral's puzzled frown, the Captain's  
open mouthed smile, Tuvok's raised eyebrow and Chakotay's dismissive  
smirk. He closed his eyes and waited for three ticks of his internal  
chronometer before he cleared his throat and lamely raised his glass.

"To Voyager!" He toasted the ship as the general hubbub rose about him  
so that his final words were lost. "To being home!"

**********************************  
to be contd…


	3. Chapter 3

************************  
Title: ST:Voyager - The Cost of Confession  
Rating: PG-13  
Summary: The Doctor learns the cost of confession.  
Spoilers: Endgame, Renaissance Man  
Feedback: Fleable...  
Disclaimer: No infringement intended. Start Trek Voyager and her  
crew belong to Paramount.

*************************  
The Cost of Confession  
By Fleable

"To Voyager!" He toasted the ship as the general hubbub rose about him  
so that his final words were lost. "To being home!"

**********************************  
Lecture Theatre  
Starfleet Medical  
Six months later…

"…as to axonal regeneration I point you in the direction of the  
esteemed Vulcan Neuropharmacist T'Lar." The assembled students watched  
as the Doctor indicated an animation of axonal remyelination on the  
large lecture screen, then smiled as the animation completed. "You  
will have to revise her theories and describe the natural process of  
axonal clumping for tomorrow's lecture and… that is all for today.  
Good afternoon and remember finals are in three weeks."

At that the students began to talk amongst themselves and rose almost  
en masse to go to their next lesson. The Doctor watched them absently;  
aware that he had to grade the last class' papers and he was running  
behind in his research project.

As the last student departed the Doctor turned from the lecture  
theatre and returned to the small anteroom that served as his personal  
quarters and research room. He closed the door and considered the  
small room he called home. There was a desk, and console, a collection  
of Padds piled to one side of a sophisticated stereo system.

"Bizet." He said, "Carmen."

The opening strands of the famous opera filled the room as he sat down  
and pulled the first Padd to his eyes. He hummed as he read the text,  
occasionally stopping to sigh and gaze at the ceiling and scribble  
some comment. Marking first year students essays was as entertaining,  
as it was elucidating.

He was well into the fifth essay when his computer console beeped at  
him and he turned to frown at the device. It was an outside  
transmission. No one had called him from outside Starfleet Medical for  
over two months! With a mixture of trepidation and curiosity he leant  
forward and examined the sender's address. 'Paris, T...'

Tom Paris? The last he heard, Tom Paris and his family were on the  
Klingon home world. What did he want? Some sort of letter of  
recommendation since he and his wife had left Star Fleet?

The message was text only and the Doctor opened it with some  
impatience. He read the words hastily and then re-read them, shifting  
forward in his chair, only peripherally aware of the Padd he had been  
holding impacting on the floor with a loud clatter.

"Dear Doc,

Hi, how are you? We're fine. Miral is growing so big and strong! And  
takes after her mother with her stubborn temper too.

I guess you've heard about Chakotay and Seven getting hitched two  
weeks ago on Risa Six? Guess they didn't want a fuss, but I heard that  
Captain Janeway went to the wedding ceremony and had a blast! Hard to  
imagine the Captain letting her hair down, but that's what I heard.

Harry Kim's still in Star Fleet. Got a bridge assignment on the USS  
Oklahoma. He seems happy.

We haven't heard from Tuvok since he got back to Vulcan have you?

Happy to hear you've been placed in Starfleet Medical. How's it going?  
Teaching the raw recruits should be fun! Hope things are going well  
for you? Especially as I'm no longer under your feet!

We're returning to Earth in a few months time. We'll catch up then.

Tom Paris."

Why he hadn't seen it coming struck the Doctor as rather ironic.  
Married! How archaic and typical of Chakotay, he thought bitterly. It  
wasn't so much the fact that Seven and Chakotay had married or the  
secrecy in which they had done it that upset him the most. It was the  
fact that he had forced himself to exclude all thoughts of Seven from  
his mind over the last six months… and now they all returned in one  
overwhelming rush.

He found he was stiff with tension and he made himself relax back in  
his chair. The deep lines about his mouth deepened and his eyes darted  
in worried thought. He had blocked out all thought of Seven so  
effectively that on closer examination it was almost pathomnemonic. He  
had got to the point that he could almost kid himself that what he had  
felt for her was nothing more than a passing crush. But now it all  
came rushing back to him, leaving him shaking and indecisive in its  
wake.

He chided himself, reaching blindly for the Padd he had dropped. This  
was pathetic even for him. He should have grown beyond this yearning.  
He should be adult, be happy for Seven, happy she had found love and  
happiness… but it ate at him like acid etching metal and his hands  
shook. Married!?

When was the last time he and Seven had spoken fully? He cast his mind  
back and remembered the small interval in Sickbay just before the Borg  
hub had sent them back to the Alpha Quadrant. With all the clarity of  
hindsight he recalled his conversation with her. "Is there something  
else?" He had asked, puzzled as to why she paused, sitting on the  
diagnostic bed in Sickbay after he had completed the routine  
assessment of her Borg implants.

Oh, how he now wished he had never asked that question! His arrogance  
astounded him at times. He tossed the Padd onto his desk and rubbed  
his brow in thought. He wondered how much of this he had bought down  
upon himself? Was it like hubris? Did some God decide he deserved  
this?

The fail-safe device, her agreement to have it removed, his rising  
anticipation, his feelings frolicking with expectancy. He remembered  
the elated sensation that swept over him. The thoughts that followed…  
The cool rebuke of his confession of love from the week before was  
nothing but a ruse! To hell with procreation! She wanted to explore  
intimacy and relationships more fully! He could still see her walking  
toward the Sickbay's door. His own thoughts tumbling after her…

Even now his asinine comment rang in his ears. "Speaking of dates..."  
He approached the topic carefully. "Once the fail-safe is gone, you'll  
be free to pursue more... intimate relationships." His holographic  
heart pounded in his chest, his fear overpowered by courage with which  
he pursued her.

"I'm aware of that," Seven was guarded, but he was beyond seeing the  
woman's reluctance to engage.

"If you decide you need help with that aspect of your humanity... I'm  
always at your disposal." He cringed at the memory. With the fail-safe  
device active at that point he doubted Seven felt a twinge of  
reluctance to spare his feelings.

"I... appreciate that." Her impatient sigh should have warned him, but  
it did not. He shook his head, his fingers still on his brow digging  
into his skin.

He eagerly approached her from the other side of the Sickbay.  
"Really?"

"Yes..." Her voice held a brittle note. She must have tired of the  
pretence, opting to tell him straight. "But... I already have all the  
help I need."

There was one thing about being a hologram that was good. He could  
process that information at near the speed of light. His face fell  
with the implication of her words. She was rejecting him? How could  
that be? Hubris… he released an angry sigh. You should have seen it  
coming.

He could feel the same sensations again at her words. He felt as if he  
were collapsing inward, as if his matrix was flickering and  
disintegrating. "Ah...of course." He put on a brave face, he was a  
gentleman, but this hurt and there was no disguising it. "You'll  
undoubtedly be running more simulations with the Chakotay hologram."  
He is surprised he could remain civil, but the words were an  
accusation. A thousand thoughts running through his head… What was he  
doing? Trying to make her deny she was involved with a hologram and  
the irony of her earlier rejection of him?

"No, actually." Seven turned her back to him and left, leaving him  
confused, torn to pieces and alone. So she was not involved with the  
holographic Chakotay? She was involved with… someone else. His puzzled  
frown grew into one of sad and bewildered resignation. An organic  
someone else… someone flesh and bone.

When Seven returned at 1800 the Doctor shut down his emotional  
response to her. Of course, it was too much for her to notice. Her  
focus was on her new lover, the future and the task in hand. Her  
impatience to have the procedure completed was an added slap in the  
face. She had a date and any tardiness on an EMH's part would not be  
tolerated.

The Doctor was cool and professional. He needed to preserve the last  
of his dignity with her. He performed his duty as well as the next-  
hologram. He completed the task, kidding himself that the tremble in  
his hands was a result of proximity to radiation from the nebula and  
not with the dampened down emotion that threatened to explode out his  
chest.

At the end of the procedure, Seven of Nine awoke and without a word,  
sat up, bore his quick examination with a tricoder and was gone. The  
doors shutting on her retreating back.

He watched her go, noting the skip in her step and a smile playing on  
her lips.

There was no doubt she was meeting her lover. He did not know who that  
was at that time. That came later and he learnt a new kind of  
bitterness... but it did not matter then, because the Doctor knew  
something else; he was nothing more to Seven of Nine than a tricoder…  
a tool to affect a task, nothing more, nothing less, nothing at all.  
She had told him so... once a week ago in public and then, again  
in Sickbay that day.

It had taken a lot of practice to exclude her from his thoughts.  
But once the pain had subsided to a dull ache, a long time after  
Voyager had docked and he had been assigned to Star Fleet Medical, the  
Doctor made a choice, and it was not a hard one. He was never going to  
fall in love again. Never, ever... and that was that. He closed off  
his heart with its thoughts of Seven, shut away his affability and  
became a replica of his creator... and with the way he was treated, it  
was not so difficult after all.

He nodded smugly to himself. His response to Tom's message was  
understandable, he was lonely, it was a shock to hear about Seven. He  
deleted the message and switched off the console. No, not hard at  
all to feel nothing. He picked up the Padd and caught a glimpse of his  
face reflected in the shiny surface of the device and was surprised by  
what he saw. So when had he begun to look so desolate?

***************************  
to be contd...


	4. Chapter 4

Title: ST:Voyager - The Cost of Confession  
Rating: PG-13  
Summary: The Doctor learns the cost of confession.  
Spoilers: Endgame, Renaissance Man  
Feedback: Fleableh...  
Disclaimer: No infringement intended. Start Trek Voyager and her  
crew belong to Paramount.

*************************  
The Cost of Confession  
By Fleable

He picked up the Padd and caught a glimpse of his face reflecting in  
the shiny surface of the device and was surprised by what he saw. So  
when had he begun to look so desolate?

***************************  
Lecture Theatre  
Starfleet Medical

It was a stupid idea, the Doctor thought, reading Reg Barclay's plan  
to get the crew of Voyager together for a reunion. How he had allowed  
himself to be drawn into being part of it was beyond him. Damn the  
man for getting Captain Janeway to cajole him! He shook his head  
angrily, clearly everyone thought that one stroke of his ego and he  
would do anything. He must have been distracted that day. How he had  
allowed himself the task of tracking down the crew and sending out  
the invitations?

He looked up from the padd on which the last known addresses of the  
crew were listed and sighed. He had papers to grade and a lecture to  
prepare! He had no time for this! But that was not going to be the  
last intrusion into his quiet routine that Sunday afternoon in high  
summer... It seemed that someone else was determined to annoy him.

"What ya doing?" The sound of the small voice disconcerted him and he  
turned from his desk to find the source of the voice in the dark  
recesses of the lecture hall.

"Hello." He asked, wondering if his ocular subroutines were playing  
tricks on him.

"Hi." The little voice came again and his eyes searched the dimness  
and found the source of the voice sitting beneath one of the first  
row lecture seats. Adjusting his eyes he could see a few blond curls  
and blue eyes peeking out from the gap between desk and chair. "What  
ya doing?"

"I'm working. Hello… " He replied as he came forward, bent down and  
studied the small child. "What are you doing here?" She was six maybe  
seven. Clearly spying on him from under the bench.

"You're that hologram aren't you?" She asked forthrightly, still  
hiding. "The one from Voyager?"

"Yes." He replied, dampening down the surge of feeling. What was he  
now, some curiosity for school children? Feeling indignant he  
demanded. "And who are you?"

"Lana." She answered, furtively looking at the lecture hall's doors  
as if afraid of being caught. "My Mummy and Daddy are working down  
the hall. " She looked down at the floor, her blue eyes vanishing  
from the peephole, her blond head tilted in thought. Finally she gave  
a quick sigh, crawled out backwards from behind the desk and stood up  
She was all of three feet two inches. "Do you know anything about  
culture jars?" She mumbled.

"Something. Why?" He replied, looking at his lecture theatre's doors  
and wondering how she had slipped in so quietly and what a child was  
doing here in the middle of summer on a fine and sunny Sunday  
afternoon.

"They break easy." Lana replied, looking at her shoes.

The Doctor's expression relaxed with understanding. "Why aren't you  
outside?" He asked casually, flapping a hand at the doors and the  
high windows through which streamed bolts of bright  
sunlight. "Playing?"

"My Grampop Joe dropped me off. Besides… Why aren't you?" Lana asked  
with an angry huff. "Do you have to get some cultures off before they  
go rotten too?"

"No…" He answered equally perturbed. "I'm preparing classes."

"That sounds boring." Lana emphasised the last word with a drawn out  
sigh and plunked herself down on the lecture theatre's steps, pulling  
her knees up to her chest. "I heard you never go outside. Some people  
say you're afraid. Why don't you? Are you afraid?"

The doctor's brows drew together into a dark line. He knew his  
students spoke about him, he could guess about what. He had heard  
enough of their off hand snide comments to know their full estimation  
of him. Still the insinuations in her questions made him feel  
uncomfortable and odd. "I have no need-" He stopped flustered. "I  
really don't see what that has to do with you being here, in my  
lecture hall."

"Where do you live?" Lana asked totally untroubled. "Do you live in a  
forest like Flotter?"

"No!" The doctor replied growing exasperated at this child's total  
lack of respect. Whatever else his students said, he was proud to be  
a hologram… just not that type of hologram. He really didn't know  
what to say? She was a child; to all children a holograms were a  
friendly playmate… a figure of fun and fantasy. He supposed it was  
only normal that the little girl would see him as that. "I live-" He  
found his hand pointing to the small anteroom off to one side of the  
lecture room and paused. "I live in there." He mumbled flatly.

Quickly seeing the little girl's blond head looking towards the door  
of his quarters. Now he was beginning to feel decidedly uncomfortable  
and pathetic.

"In there?" She squinted up at him in disbelief. "It looks small. Can  
you grow small like Flotter did when he was a mouse?"

The doctor looked away, rolling his eyes in frustration, this was not  
how he had planned his day. "I'm not Flotter, Lana. Why don't you run  
along and find …" He searched for the words. "Your parents?"

"They're busy." Lana sniffed and put her forehead on her knees her  
fingers gripping the hem of her tunic to pull it into a tight  
line. "Don't you like me?"

"What?" He asked totally dumbfounded. "Lana, I don't know you to like  
you but you seem to be a very nice little girl who… has gotten lost  
and ended up in my… lecture theatre." He ended with a short  
reassuring laugh a nervous fluttering growing in his chest. "Don't  
you think your Mother and Father will be worried about you?"

She shook her head on her knees, her blond curls shaking. "Nope." She  
looked up at him, straight in the eye. "They're too busy." Then as  
swiftly as a blink of her blue eyes, she asked. "What's your name?"  
She began to twist the hem of her dress mischievously. "They say you  
don't have one, but I bet you do."

"They have a lot to answer for. Who are 'they'?" The doctor puzzled  
quietly as he shook his head. It was a rhetorical question not spoken  
loud enough for the little girl to hear. After a moment and with a  
lop-sided smile he spoke to her. "No, I don't have a name I haven't  
chosen one yet. I'm an Emergency Medical Hologram or EMH or Doctor if  
you prefer." The blue eyes just looked at him blankly. "Look Lana,  
why don't you run along-"

"Want to go outside with me?" The little girl asked suddenly. Jumping  
to her feet she stood before him arching back her head. "You must get  
small to fit in that room!" She decided and gripped his hand to begin  
tugging him towards the exit. "Come on." She pulled him reluctantly  
about. "Let's go outside. You can be Flotter."

"Lana." An adult voice stopped them at the door. "What are you  
doing?" The woman looked from the child to the Doctor in confusion.  
"This is Doctor. He's a hologram like Flotter."

The woman flicked an angry look of disapproval at the Doctor before  
bending down to her daughter. "I can see that Lana. Were you  
bothering him? I told you to sit in the hallway until we were  
finished."

There was something in the way the woman said it that made the Doctor  
open his mouth and speak. "No." He said. "No, Lana was just playing a  
game with me. It's fine really. She wasn't bothering me. We were  
going outside to the garden, but perhaps we could stay inside and  
draw?"

"Yah!" Lana let go of the Doctor's hand and skipped back to the  
bench. "I like drawing!"

The woman gave the doctor a hard look then glanced at her  
daughter. "If she's not bothering you?"

"No." The Doctor lied, he did not like the feeling he was getting off  
this woman, there was something terribly wrong. "It's fine." He  
replied easily, glancing back as Lana pulled a padd from out from  
under one of the benches. He watched her carefully placed it on the  
desk and settled herself down in front of it. "She'll keep me  
company."

The woman gave a tiny nod of her head, her gaze sliding across to her  
daughter and quickly back to the Doctor. "Lana!" She called out, her  
eyes fixed on the Doctor's face, her own expression fixed into a kind  
of grim sneer. "Be good for the hologram." Then directly to  
him, "Keep her entertained until six."

***************************  
to be contd….


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimers in part one...

***************************  
The woman gave a tiny nod of her head, her gaze sliding across to her  
daughter and quickly back to the Doctor. "Lana!" She called out, her  
eyes fixed on the Doctor's face, her own expression fixed into a kind  
of grim sneer. "Be good for the hologram." Then directly to  
him, "Keep her entertained until six."

***************************

The babysitting of Lana became a regular event for the Doctor over  
the summer. He even found himself anticipating her visits by  
preparing an area of his desk with toys and drawing equipment at the  
end of his day. Lectures and grading waited while he played the  
latest children's game with her, drew pictures, sang songs or read  
stories. It wasn't hard for him to like the girl. She was a bright  
child, with a sense of humour that intrigued and puzzled him…  
especially when he found a frog loose in his room. It disturbed him  
that she did not like leaving him at the end of the day to go home to  
such an extent that the next time Deanna Troi *happened* to drop in  
(usually at Reg Barclay's insistence) he would mention it to her.

The Doctor even grew to accept the fact that to Lana's seven-year-old  
brain he was a hologram like Flotter, and was clearly there for her  
amusement. He found it harder to correlate this way of thinking to  
Lana's mother who treated him as if he were some sort of servile  
robot. At least the attitude of his ex-crewmates from Voyager was  
more refreshing. He had done his duty and sent out invitations for  
the reunion Barclay had suggested and nearly all (except Seven and  
Chakotay) had responded - sending him news and updates of their lives  
and careers. If he analysed the emotion this evoked he would  
grudgingly agree was comforting to know he were still part of a  
family, but he chose not to examine it - he had locked that part of  
himself away forever.

"Come on!"

He blinked as the last of the doors slid open and revealed the  
expanse of gardens that surrounded Starfleet Medical. This afternoon,  
somehow Lana had persuaded him to leave his home of the last six  
months and go out into the sunshine. The little girl had been right,  
he had never ventured outside since he had arrived here. There seemed  
little point, he did not want people to point fingers at him, did not  
want to be reminded about how different he was.

Lana was pulling him by the hand towards a little bridge that curved  
over a pond. She excitedly giggled when she saw the ducks, letting go  
of his hand to run and gaze over the edge at the birds below.

"Look!" She shouted, pointing at a mallard. "Aren't they pretty?"

"Yes." The Doctor nodded, feeling very conspicuous in his utilitarian  
Starfleet uniform while other adults and children milled about in  
casual summer clothes. Curtly he decided he would have to adjust his  
programming the next time they left the building. "Be careful, Lana."  
He chided the child as she sat down and dangled her legs through the  
bridges rail posts. "Don't get wet."

Lana looked back up at him and gave him a toothy grin. "Don't be  
silly, Doctor. I won't!"

A couple passed by, walking slowly arm in arm, heads bent together,  
murmuring quietly until they saw him. The Doctor felt their gaze on  
him and self-consciously moved toward the rail and hunched down to  
watch the birds with Lana.

"That's that hologram. You know the one from Voyager?" He heard the  
woman whisper as they passed. "What's he doing with that child?" He  
did not catch the man's reply, but judging by the tone of the man's  
voice it was equally unpleasant.

"Come along, Lana." He said brightly, forcing a smile onto his face,  
ignoring the pair. "Let's go find the playground."

"Oh yes please!" Lana jumped to her feet and scampered off the bridge  
to impatiently hop on the loose pebble path as she waited for him to  
follow. "It's this way!"

The doctor straightened up and checked over his shoulder, the couple  
had gone, but the bad feeling persisted. He should have just stayed  
inside.

****************************  
Three months later,  
'USS Voyager First Annual Reunion'  
Starfleet Headquarters.

"Heyya Doc!" Tom's voice resounded across the crowded noisy room and  
the Doctor turned to see Tom Paris, B'Elanna and a small child who  
could only be Miral in her mother's arms, coming toward him. "How's  
it going?" Paris greeted him by slapping his upper arm, barely  
missing his mobile emitter and grinning.

"Hello, Mr Paris." The Doctor replied, one hand absently checking  
that his emitter as he nodded at Voyagers ex-Chief Engineer. "Ms  
Torres."

"Hello Doctor." B'Elanna smiled tightly at the EMH. Her gaze flicking  
down at his casual dark trousers and turtleneck, she liked it, and  
was about to ask who was maintaining his program when distracted by  
Miral tugging on her colourful Klingon top, she turned away. "It's  
okay honey. Give Mommy a moment." She put Miral down and the toddler  
stood on her wobbly feet before them and swayed drunkenly.

Bending down the Doctor smiled at the little girl. "Miral? My, you  
have grown. She must take after her mother?" He straightened up and  
smiled at the couple.

B'Elanna rolled her eyes and nodded. "Yes." She said. "She's all  
Klingon." And the three adults smiled as Miral twisted about and fell  
onto her diaper-padded bottom between her mother's legs.

Breaking the silence, before it grew protracted, the Doctor raised  
his eyebrows in question. "As you're all in one piece. I assume you  
weren't flying, Mr Paris?"

"You're right there, Doc." Tom laughed nervously, scanning the  
crowd. "B'Elanna won't even let me use the replicator! Hey?" He asked  
quietly and the Doctors ear prick… Oh no, he's going to ask if Seven  
is here, is he? "Have you seen Harry? Or has Starfleet really taken  
over his life?"

Relief flowering in his chest, the Doctor looked about the room and  
shook his head. "He was here a moment ago." He lifted his  
chin. "Talking to one of the Delaney twins I believe."

A grin split Tom's face. "Good old Harry! He'll never give up."

"Yes." The Doctor agreed, his smile waning as B'Elanna moved away to  
speak to one of her old engineering crew, Miral now back in her  
arms. "I suppose not."

The uncomfortable silence fell again between the two old crewmates.  
It was odd that people who once had so much to say to each other were  
suddenly lost for words. Tom jiggled his half-empty glass and  
ventured an opening line. "So… How's it going at Starfleet Medical? I  
heard that you seem a bit -" The young man searched for the word,  
then suddenly regretted his line of questioning as the next words  
fell out. "*Stuck* there?"

"It's fine, Mr Paris." The Doctor responded sharply, pulling back his  
shoulders at the implications behind the words. He glanced at Reg  
Barclay and wondered what sort of rumours the engineer had spread at  
his expense. "In fact Captain Janeway has offered me an assignment on  
board her ship." He told his ex-Assistant. "She's about to head off  
on a deep space mission, four years into the gamma quadrant. I'm  
thinking of joining it."

Tom's eyes widened for a fraction of a second, then his gaze slid  
away. "Yeah, I heard she got that." He sipped his glass of wine and  
swallowed, his voice lifting, trying to lighten the mood. "Whoa,  
when I heard she was trying for that one, I didn't think Starfleet  
would give it to her! What with the Dominion and the pre-requisite  
amount of ground time between commands, she really must have pushed  
them." His voice could not mask how impressed he was at Captain  
Janeway's persistence - or how surprised that the Doctor had been  
offered *any* position on a Starship.

The Doctor had worked long enough with the man to know when he was  
trying to evade something. Why don't you just say it? He thought.  
That Starfleet thinks I'm not good enough. Testily he replied, "Well,  
evidently they did give it to her and I will accept the post of  
Second Medical Officer. Now if you'll excuse me, I see our Vulcan  
friend."

Tom Paris watched the Doctor move away and frowned. *Second* Medical  
Officer? He had heard the stories about how the Doctor had been  
treated by Starfleet and the Federation upon Voyager's return to the  
Alpha Quadrant and this confirmed it. The poor guy was being treated  
poorly by an organisation that preached benign acceptance of all life  
forms and yet, clearly discriminated against those it deemed  
unworthy.

Uneasily, the ex-pilot wondered how much of it was self-induced.  
After all, the Doc could be obnoxious and arrogant - in a lovable Doc  
kind of way, but he could be. He could just see him annoying a few of  
the wrong people with the wrong words and behaviour. Oh boy, Doc, Tom  
commiserated. If you pissed off my Dad…

He shook his head and looked about the room, catching sight of  
Captain Janeway he smiled. She was wearing a very becoming blue dress  
and looked relaxed and contented, he was happy for her. She had a  
command and a mission. Life was returning to normal for everyone.  
Everyone except the EMH…

Tom wondered how much of the Doctor's behaviour was related to Seven  
of Nine's bizarre relationship with Chakotay.

Now that was one way out of left field. B'Elanna and he had argued  
about that couple's strange relationship long and hard. B'Elanna was  
hurt that her ex-Commander and former friend had not confessed  
anything to her. And Tom - well, Tom was simply stunned. How could  
those two fall in love and get married so quickly? There was no hint  
of any intimacy between them, not even a sense of warmth, let alone  
friendship… In fact previous to that the only person the ice queen  
Seven seemed to be friendly with was-

Oh. Tom gulped down his mouthful of wine and nearly choked as the  
sudden realisation struck him. The Doc and Seven? His gaze fell on  
the Doctor's straight back as the EMH conversed quietly with Tuvok  
and his wife. Was the Doc still torn up about that? Hell, Tom mused.  
The Doc was probably still ruminating on the gossip his  
malfunctioning confessions produced!

He needed to get out more, Tom decided. Live a little… and he  
supposed he was - now… by going on a Starship into the gamma  
quadrant.

Who was the Doc kidding? *Second* Medical Officer, what did that  
mean? He'd probably be deactivated unless he was needed. It was a bad  
move, but then again Tom wasn't the EMH, he had his own life to lead  
and family to look after. He thanked God that he had decided to  
become a civilian again and he was happy to bask in B'Elanna's  
burgeoning diplomatic career.

Tom glanced about the crowd, nodding at a few familiar faces. Of the  
Marquis only Chakotay was absent and he could not see blonde  
bombshell Borg anywhere.

Maybe I should find out why Seven and Chakotay were a no show at this  
party? He thought, but the idea fled as soon as he saw Harry  
approaching him. He grinned and laughed, clapping the new Lieutenant  
pips on his Kim's shoulder, "Hey, Starfleet! Finally bet ensign I  
see! How are you, Harry?"

"I'm fine Tom." Harry grinned in answer. He looked fit and  
happy. "Nice to see fatherhood treating you so well."

"Indeed it is." Tom laughed, looking indulgently at his wife and  
daughter. "It's great, Harry. I recommend it."

"Yeah…" Harry smiled, glancing at the Delaney twins as they laughed  
with some other female crewmates. "It's quite a turn out." Harry  
continued, "Nearly the whole crew."

"Except Seven and Chakotay." Tom corrected.

Harry nodded sagely. "Yeah, I heard about them. Can you believe it?"

"You're telling me!" Tom snorted. "Married? Hell, I still couldn't  
understand how they got together in the first place!"

"Yeah, that was strange." Harry shrugged, sipped some wine and  
scanned the partygoers again. "But that's not what I'm talking about,  
Tom."

Paris felt the hairs on the back of his neck rise. His eyes  
squinted. "Harry? What *are* you talking about?"

"You haven't heard?"

Exasperated Tom snorted, "No!?"

"Seriously?" Harry asked, his mouth gaping. "I don't believe you,  
Tom. How could you not have heard?"

Tom felt that a blood vessel in his temple about to burst. "Heard  
what, Harry?" His voice was so loud that the people directly around  
them stopped talking and looked at him in curious annoyance.

"Chakotay dumped Seven for some Risa pleasure girl months ago."

"What?"

Harry grabbed Tom's arm, steered him away from the small group of on-  
lookers to a quiet corner, there he muttered quickly, "I thought you  
knew?"

"No." Tom answered. "What are you saying Harry? They're not married?"  
Harry nervously glanced about the room and saw that Tuvok and the  
Doctor were staring at them. "They were divorced pretty quickly after  
that marriage on Risa Six." Kim's dark eyes grew cold and  
bitter. "Chakotay's married the Risa girl… I heard she was pregnant  
at the time."

"No way!" Tom hissed in disbelief, his heart pounding. "He was  
sleeping around?"

"Yeah." Harry nodded, "Seven's been working at Deep Space Nine for  
security ever since. I bumped into her last time we docked there two  
months ago. She was pretty cut up. I thought you knew?" His voice  
held a note of an accusation, "I thought the whole of Starfleet  
knew?"

"No," Tom replied, numbly shaking his head. Unconsciously he looked  
up at the Doctor and Tuvok who were still staring at them. "No one  
knew, Harry."

*******************************  
TBC


	6. Chapter 6

FF Cost of Confession pt6-7

****************************  
Three months later,  
Starfleet Headquarters.  
"Heyya Doc!" Tom's voice resounded across the crowded noisy room and  
the Doctor turned to see Tom Paris, B'Elanna and a small child who  
could only be Miral in her mother's arms, coming toward him. "How's it  
going?" Paris greeted him by slapping his upper arm, barely missing  
his mobile emitter and grinning.  
"Hello, Mr Paris." The Doctor replied, one hand absently checking that  
his emitter as he nodded at Voyagers ex-Chief Engineer. "Ms Torres."  
"Hello Doctor." B'Elanna smiled tightly at the EMH. Her gaze flicking  
down at his casual dark trousers and turtleneck, she liked it, and was  
about to ask who was maintaining his program when distracted by Miral  
tugging on her colourful Klingon top, she turned away. "It's okay  
honey. Give Mommy a moment." She put Miral down and the toddler stood  
on her wobbly feet before them and swayed drunkenly.  
Bending down the Doctor smiled at the little girl. "Miral? My, you  
have grown." He straightened up to smile at the couple. "She must take  
after her mother?"  
B'Elanna rolled her eyes and nodded. "Yes." She said. "She's all  
Klingon." And the three adults smiled as Miral twisted about and fell  
onto her diaper-padded bottom between her mother's legs.  
Breaking the silence, before it grew protracted, the Doctor raised his  
eyebrows in question. "As you're all in one piece I assume you weren't  
flying, Mr Paris?"  
"You're right there, Doc." Tom laughed nervously, scanning the crowd.  
"B'Elanna won't even let me use the replicator! Hey?" He asked quietly  
and the Doctor's ear pricked… Oh no, he's not going to ask if Seven is  
here, is he? "Have you seen Harry? Or has Starfleet really taken over  
his life?"  
Relief flowering in his chest, the Doctor looked about the room and  
shook his head. "He was here a moment ago." He lifted his chin.  
"Talking to one of the Delaney twins I believe."  
A grin split Tom's face. "Good old Harry! He'll never give up."  
"Yes." The Doctor agreed, his smile waning as B'Elanna moved away to  
speak to one of her old engineering crew, Miral now back snugly in her  
arms. "I suppose not."  
The uncomfortable silence fell again between the two old crewmates. It  
was odd that people who once had so much to say to each other were  
suddenly lost for words. Tom jiggled his half-empty glass and ventured  
an opening line. "So… How's it going at Starfleet Medical? I heard  
that you seem a bit -" The young man searched for the word, then  
suddenly regretted his line of questioning as the next words fell out.  
"*Stuck* there?"  
"It's fine, Mr Paris." The Doctor responded sharply, pulling back his  
shoulders at the implications behind the words. He glanced at Reg  
Barclay and wondered what sort of rumours the engineer had spread at  
his expense. "In fact Captain Janeway has offered me an assignment on  
board her ship." He told his ex-Assistant. "She's about to head off on  
a deep space mission, four years into the gamma quadrant. I'm thinking  
of joining it."  
Tom's eyes widened for a fraction of a second, then his gaze slid  
away. "Yeah, I heard she got that." He sipped his glass of wine and  
swallowed, his voice lifting, trying to lighten the mood. "Whoa, when  
I heard she was trying for that one, I didn't think Starfleet would  
give it to her! What with the Dominion and the pre-requisite amount of  
ground time between commands, she really must have pushed them." His  
voice could not mask how impressed he was at Captain Janeway's  
persistence - or how surprised that the Doctor had been offered *any*  
position onboard a Starship.  
The Doctor had worked long enough with the man to know when he was  
trying to evade something. Why don't you just say it? He thought. That  
Starfleet thinks I'm not good enough. Testily he replied, "Well,  
evidently they did give it to her and I will accept the post of Second  
Medical Officer. Now if you'll excuse me, I see our Vulcan friend."  
Tom Paris watched the Doctor move away and frowned. *Second* Medical  
Officer? He had heard the stories about how the Doctor had been  
treated by Starfleet and the Federation upon Voyager's return to the  
Alpha Quadrant and this confirmed it. The poor guy was being treated  
poorly by an organisation that preached benign acceptance of all life  
forms and yet, clearly discriminated against those it deemed unworthy.  
Uneasily, the ex-pilot wondered how much of the Doctor's current life  
was self-induced. After all, the Doc could be obnoxious and arrogant -  
in a lovable Doc kind of way, but he could be. He could just see him  
annoying a few of the wrong people with wrong words and worse  
behaviour. Oh boy, Doc, Tom commiserated. If you pissed off my Dad… He  
shook his head and looked about the room, catching sight of Captain  
Janeway, he smiled. She was wearing a very becoming blue dress and  
looked relaxed and content, he was happy for her. She had a new  
command and a mission. Life was returning to normal for everyone.  
Everyone except the Doc…  
Tom mused, the real question is, how much of the Doc's behaviour is  
related to Seven of Nine's bizarre relationship with Chakotay? Now  
that was one way out of left field. Tom shook his head and took a  
mouthful of wine. B'Elanna and he had argued about that couple's  
strange relationship long and hard. B'Elanna was hurt that her  
ex-Commander and former friend had not confessed anything to her about  
it. And Tom - well, Tom was simply stunned. How could those two fall  
in love and get married so quickly? There was no hint of any intimacy  
between them, not even a sense of warmth, let alone friendship on  
board ship… One minute they were crewmates, the next they were all  
over each other at the Homecoming shindig. In fact previous to that  
the only person the ice queen Seven seemed to be friendly with was-  
His gaze fell on the Doctor's straight back as the EMH conversed  
quietly with Tuvok and his wife. Was the Doc still torn up about that?  
Hell, Tom mused. The Doc was probably still ruminating on the gossip  
his malfunctioning confessions produced! He needed to get out more,  
Tom decided. Live a little…  
Sure, he supposed he was doing that now and by going on a Starship  
into the gamma quadrant. Hell! Who was the Doc kidding? *Second*  
Medical Officer, what did that mean? He'd probably be deactivated  
unless he was needed. It was a bad move, but then again Tom wasn't the  
EMH, he had his own life to lead and family to look after. He thanked  
God that he had decided to become a civilian again and he was happy to  
bask in B'Elanna's burgeoning diplomatic career. Starfleet had never  
been his career choice.  
Tom glanced about the crowd, nodding at a few familiar faces. Of the  
Marquis only Chakotay was noticeably absent and he could not see  
blonde Borg bombshell anywhere. Maybe I should find out why Seven and  
Chakotay were a no show at this party? But the idea fled as soon as he  
saw Harry approaching him.  
Tom grinned and laughed, clapping the new Lieutenant pips on Kim's  
shoulder, "Hey, Starfleet! Finally bet ensign I see! How are you,  
Harry?"  
"I'm fine Tom." Harry grinned in answer. He looked fit and happy.  
"Nice to see fatherhood treating you so well."  
"Yeah, it is." Tom laughed, looking indulgently at his wife and  
daughter. "It's great, Harry. I recommend it."  
"Yeah…" Harry smiled, glancing at the Delaney twins as they laughed  
with some other female crewmates. "It's quite a turn out." Harry  
continued, "Nearly the whole crew."  
"Except Seven and Chakotay." Tom corrected.  
Harry nodded sagely. "Yeah, I heard about them. Can you believe it?"  
"You're telling me!" Tom snorted. "Married? Hell, I still couldn't  
understand how they got together in the first place!"  
"Yeah, that was strange." Harry shrugged, sipped some wine and scanned  
the partygoers again. "But that's not what I'm talking about, Tom."  
Paris felt the hairs on the back of his neck rise and a chill set  
itself up in his stomach. "Harry?" His eyes squinted. "What *are* you  
talking about?'  
"You haven't heard?"  
Exasperated Tom snorted, "No!?"  
"Seriously?" Harry asked, his mouth gaping. "I don't believe you, Tom.  
How could *you* not have heard?"

Tom felt that a blood vessel in his temple about to burst. "Heard  
what, Harry?" His voice was so loud that the people directly around  
them stopped talking and looked at him in curious annoyance.  
"Chakotay dumped Seven for some Risa pleasure girl months ago."  
"What?" Harry grabbed Tom's arm, steered him away from the small group  
of on-lookers to a quiet corner, there he muttered quickly, "I thought  
you knew?"  
"No." Tom answered. "What are you saying Harry? They're not married?"  
Harry nervously glanced about the room and saw that Tuvok and the  
Doctor were studying them intently. "They were divorced pretty quickly  
after that marriage on Risa Six." Kim's dark eyes grew cold and  
bitter. "Chakotay's married the Risa girl… I heard she was pregnant at  
the time."  
"No way!" Tom hissed in disbelief, his heart pounding. "He was  
sleeping around?"  
"Yeah." Harry nodded, "Seven's been working at Deep Space Nine for  
security ever since. I bumped into her last time we docked there two  
months ago. She was pretty cut up. I thought you knew?" His voice held  
a note of an accusation, "I thought the whole of Starfleet knew?"  
"No," Tom replied, numbly shaking his head. Unconsciously he looked up  
at the Doctor and Tuvok who were still staring at them. "No one knew,  
Harry."

Tuvok faced the Doctor and dryly commented. "It would seem that Mr  
Paris and Lieutenant Kim are rather preoccupied." Half raising an  
eyebrow, the Vulcan indicated both his curiosity and displeasure at  
the commotion the pair had created.  
"Yes." The Doctor agreed with him, looking at the two friends and  
noting the way Tom's face paled and then took on a smugly  
knowledgeable expression. "I wonder what they're talking about?"  
"It is wrong to speculate." Tuvok stated, "But I myself have been  
doing so lately." The Vulcan began to warm to a new line of  
conversation, hoping to draw the Doctor in. "Wondering for example,  
how Admiral Janeway altered the course of history. I, for one no  
longer suffer from neurological degeneration, Seven of Nine is still  
alive, Chakotay is likewise unaffected, Voyager returned to the alpha  
quadrant twenty six years earlier than expected, the Borg have been  
vanquished and so forth. It intrigues me to know how much our futures  
have changed as a result of her actions."  
"Indeed," The Doctor agreed solemnly, clearing his throat at the  
mention of Seven and the ex-Commander's name, "I often think of what  
became of me in Admiral Janeway's future. Unfortunately, she never  
divulged that information to me. I can only surmise I remained the  
same."  
The Vulcan nodded. "A logical conclusion under the circumstances." He  
paused as he looked past the Doctor and frowned. "I believe, Doctor.  
Mr Paris would like to speak with you?"  
"Again?" The Doctor turned and found Tom Paris and Harry Kim standing  
behind him. Judging by Harry's awkward expression and Tom's grin the  
Doctor sensed that he was not going to like what they had to say.  
"Sorry Tuvok." Tom began, before he reached out and grabbed the  
Doctors' arm, tugging him away. "We really need to talk to Doc."  
"What are you doing?" The hologram demanded, as he was lead away. "Let  
go of me!" Angrily he shrugged off Tom's hand and glared at the man in  
disbelief, his dark eyes flashing. "What on earth are you doing, Mr  
Paris?"  
"Tell him, Harry." Tom instructed.  
Harry Kim frowned at Tom before giving the Doctor an apologetic look.  
"It's about Seven of Nine and Chakotay." He sighed.  
"Oh yes." The Doctor cautiously replied, lifting his chin, the lines  
at the side of his mouth darkening with grimness, preparing for the  
worst. Was Tom Paris going to use his feelings for Seven as the basis  
for another joke at his expense? He thought in pained frustration. Was  
he simply a toy to these people? He found it hard to think of Harry  
Kim as duplicitas in any such act… But then…  
He could see it now. Another round of tactless jokes and gossip: Laugh  
at the love-struck hologram! Bring him down a peg or two. See how he  
tries to be human?  
"They're divorced." Harry breathed. "Chakotay got this woman from Risa  
Six pregnant and dumped Seven months ago." He gave Tom a sideways look  
and continued. "Seven's on Deep Space Nine. Working for Bajoran  
Security. She was still pretty upset about it when I saw her a couple  
of months ago. She looked sort of run down."  
When the Doctor did not respond, but continued to stand there blankly  
staring over his shoulder, Harry shook his head and grumped, "There,  
you happy, Tom?"  
"You have no idea." The ex-pilot sighed as he quietly lead his friend  
away, checking over his shoulder that the Doctor was still active and  
operational. "Come on Harry. Let's go see if the Delaney twins are  
speaking to us."  
The Doctor stood darkly alone in the centre of the room. He may have  
looked frozen in time, but his thoughts were jumping rapidly from one  
thing to another. Chakotay 'dumped' Seven? The Doctor tried to process  
this information, feeling his systems shutting off one by one…  
perception fleeing first as he concentrated all his efforts on this  
new and disturbing information.  
Chakotay had tossed Seven aside as if she were a piece of garbage? His  
teeth were aching from clenching them too hard. How? His jaw popped  
and sound flooded in. They were divorced? Colour and vision returned  
and he blinked in disbelief. Chakotay got another woman pregnant!  
Seven - Emotionally hurt! His gaze flicked about the room, his anger  
building. That bastard not only used Seven, he abused her! He felt the  
anger swell within him and begin to boil. Why didn't he know of this  
sooner? Why hadn't Seven contacted him, told him about this?  
She was ill! It was the only reasonable explanation. Yet he knew her  
Borg systems. Did she really feel that past association counted for  
nothing? He was her primary physician for nearly three years! Of  
course, he realised in the bitter reality of hindsight, she probably  
thought very little of him. Had discounted him entirely with their  
last meeting. You were nothing but a hologram to her, a tool to  
achieve an end. You were never a man, not even a friend. Of course she  
would not consider contacting you. You weren't even real!  
Suddenly he felt himself breaking up. He had to get out of here! He  
had to leave now!  
"Doctor?" Reg Barclay was in his way, the engineer's nervous face a  
mask of concern. "Are you okay?"  
The Doctor did not reply, instead he rudely shoved past him and  
stormed off.  
"D-Doctor!" Barclay shouted, but Tom came up and gripped the man's  
shoulder.  
"Leave him." He told the shocked engineer as the hologram quickly  
exited the room. "He needs some space."

Outside it was raining. Not the misty kind of drizzle that was  
sometimes engineered for the end of the day or first thing in the  
morning, this was torrential down pour that cleaned the rooftops and  
swept the streets clean.  
The Doctor stalked through the empty streets, jumping over flooded  
gutters and through puddles. He glowered as he walked. Rain did very  
little to him; it wet him, but did not make him cold or bedraggled. He  
thought it ironic when lightening flashed and thundered rolled from  
out of the west. It suited his mood. His dark eyes hardened as he  
entered a dimly lit mall and hunched his shoulders defensively. He was  
rumbling with emotions he could barely suppress. He did not want to  
meet anyone who might recognise him, he wanted to walk this off, get a  
things sorted out in his head.  
Another bolt of lightening forked across the sky. He paused feeling a  
stuttering jolt. It was his matrix flickering. Angrily he gritted his  
teeth. Great, he was going to degrade out in the street! How fitting  
for a homeless hologram. He wondered what sewer his holoemitter would  
end up in.  
Heedlessly he continued to storm down the street, trying to fathom the  
reasons why Seven had not contacted him… They were probably the same  
that she used when she decided not to tell him about her wedding. The  
Doctor ducked his head at the thought and folded his arms high up  
across his chest as he marched on.  
The rain fell harder if that were possible, obliterating the view of  
the harbour and streetlights. He paused and looked at the sheets of  
grey and imagined that if he tried hard enough he could conjure up  
Seven before him. He tried and could see her blue eyes, her flowing  
golden hair and the implant than leapt dolphin-like over an eye. The  
fullness of her mouth, the timbre of her voice, the rarer smiles and  
her body… her beautiful body.  
He ached… he physically ached! He could hardly believe it. He wanted  
to see her! He wanted to touch her. He wanted to tell her how he felt-  
He stopped as the rain pattered off his head and streamed down his  
body. He opened his mouth and emptied the steamy air that filled his  
lung cavities.  
Clearly he wanted to humiliate himself again. The Doctor punished  
himself for allowing himself some pleasant thoughts of Seven, forcing  
himself to remember the looks and expressions she had acquired from  
Chakotay. The cruel, mocking and arrogant glances the pair had cast  
his way and her words with recalled with equal bitterness: "the  
pursuit of a romantic relationship between us would be an exercise in  
futility." His thoughts were whirling about the same theme and he  
could barely reconcile them. What was wrong with him? If Seven wanted  
to talk to him, she would have contacted him - it was as simple as  
that.  
The forty-storey pyramid complex of Starfleet swung into view as he  
rounded a corner just as another bolt of lightening illuminated the  
mirrored structure in an eerie green light. Home sweet home. He  
grumbled. A land vehicle sloshed through a pool of water at his back  
making him quicken his pace. When he got home he would need to run a  
self-diagnostic. He decided. He would need to do a lot of things. The  
first of which would be his resignation.

Taking the slick wet steps two at a time, a wet Doctor entered the  
lobby of Star Fleet Medical and dripping took the first turbolift up  
to his floor. Upon exiting, he brushed away the last of the raindrops  
and strode purposely down the corridor, his determination firming by  
the moment. He would resign, he would become more than his  
programming. He would show them all that he was not a toy to be played  
with!  
The Doctor's face became darker and grimmer as another roll of thunder  
shook the many panes of glass in the pyramid structure and vibrated  
out under his feet. He had not seen Seven for more than a year.  
Professionally, as a Doctor, he had not treated her for longer. If  
this was a question of ethics and morals or the code of conduct as it  
related to the doctor/patient relationship, then clearly he had broken  
it.  
He snorted derisively, what was he thinking? That Danara or Seven even  
considered that? He knew there were no laws governing that breach of  
conduct anymore. People knew so much more about their own medical  
wellbeing and negotiated treatment accordingly. However, this line of  
reasoning disturbed him enough to give him pause. Society as he knew  
would not tolerate such a dichotomy of power… but perhaps Seven with  
her hierarchical Borg upbringing -  
A light shone out down the darkened passage. It was originating from  
his lecture theatre. Cautiously the Doctor approached, listened for a  
moment at the shut doors before pushing them open.  
"Doctor!" Lana nearly jumped into his arms.  
The Doctor blinked in shock and looked down at the girl hugging his  
waist. "Lana?"  
What was she doing here? He had said goodbye to her almost two months  
ago. Her parents were heading off to the asteroid belt about Saturn  
and she was going to stay with her grandfather. How did she get in  
here? Did she know the codes of by heart? He undid her hands and  
gently pushed the little girl back so that he could kneel down and  
look at her. A worried furrow formed on his brow as all thoughts of  
his own problems fled. "It's nearly ten o'clock at night, Lana?" He  
asked deeply puzzled. "What are you doing here?"  
Lana looked up at him. "Grandpop Joe's in hospital." She replied and  
her eyes filled with sudden sad tears. "He's very sick."  
"Where are your parents?" He gently prodded, going to the door and  
checking down the corridor. All the other doors were firmly closed and  
locked, and as before, there was not a light coming from any of them.  
"Up there." Lana replied, pointing to the ceiling as she sniffed. The  
Doctor looked up and realised she meant they were in space. "I was  
staying with Grandpop Joe, but he's sick now."  
The Doctor moved to a console and typed in some information. Lana came  
up and peered curiously at what he was doing, then looked up at him.  
"Are you mad I came?" She asked her voice wavering with fear. "I  
didn't mean to make you mad?"  
The Doctor looked down at her, his face blank as his mind raced  
through the possibilities, finally his eyes focused on hers. "No  
Lana." He forced a tight smile on his face to reassure her. "I'm not  
mad at you, but your Grandfather may be very worried."  
Contented Lana smiled and came up to hug his leg. "I love you Doctor."  
She murmured, rubbing her nose into his dark trousered knee. "I missed  
you."  
The Doctor considered the screeds of data on the console and gave the  
little girl a quick look. "Yes Lana." He muttered.  
When he found the name he was looking for, he quickly pulled up  
another screen and watched as the information loaded. Smiling back  
down at girl he found that Lana's blonde head had lolled to one side  
as she leant up against his leg. Her eyes were closed, mouth slightly  
mooed open and from her steady breathing, he deduced, she could only  
be soundly asleep.  
The Doctor snorted and sadly shook his head. "Lana…" His exasperation  
vanishing as a warm feeling welled up inside his chest. He carefully  
brushed her hair from her face and confessed softly. "I missed you  
too."

TBC


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimers in part one...

*******************************  
The Doctor snorted and sadly shook his head. "Lana…" His exasperation  
vanishing as a warm feeling welled up inside his chest. He carefully  
brushed her hair from her face and confessed softly. "I missed you  
too."

*******************************

The Doctor was in a near state of panic when Deanna Troi finally  
materialised before him. "About time!" He flapped. "I've been trying  
to contact you for the last hour and a half! This is an emergency!"

"Doctor? I was at the reunion." Deanna calmly blinked at him as he  
bustled past. Sometimes she despaired of holograms, they could be so  
histrionic. "I had just arrived when I received your call. I came as  
quickly as..." her voice trailed off as she watched him go to the  
sleeping form of a small child curled up on one of the front lecture  
benches.

"She was here when I got home." The Doctor explained glancing quickly  
up at Deanna, his hand trailing over the little girl's head. "She was  
in the care of her paternal grandfather. I've run a check on him. Her  
grandfather had a massive CVA today and from his medical records they  
don't expect him to -"

Reg Barclay flickered into life before them, halfway through a  
transport he was still stuttering, "I'll have you know that as C-Ch-  
Chief Proj-Pup! I can- I can demand site to site transport anyti-ti-  
tim-" He stopped in mid-sentence and after swaying for a moment, he  
blinked then smiled rather nervously at the Doctor and Deanna.

"Ah, I s-see I-" The timorous engineer gulped as he came up to the  
pair, fidgeting a hand over his face wondering if the Doctor was  
going to rebuke him for something he had said at the Voyager party.  
Instead he glimpsed Lana's small blond sleeping head and exclaimed,  
rather more loudly than anyone anticipated. "Who is that?!"

"That." The Doctor replied in a deliberate whisper. "Is Lana, her  
parents were ensconced here over the summer break. Doing some sort of  
asteroid bacteria colonisation study. They're up in the asteroid belt  
now and out of subspace radio contact."

Reg's eyes narrowed. "Probably stuck behind a huge iron meteorite."  
He muttered. "With the size of some of those, I wouldn't be surprised  
if the signal was either split or bounced halfway to-"

"Yes!" The Doctor seethed. "As you can see I have a problem." He  
pointed to the child. "That is why I have asked you both to come  
here!"

Reg looked at Deanna and she in turn looked at the nervous Engineer  
and then to the child. "It's simple Doctor." Troi said after a long  
thoughtful moment. "Lana will have to stay with you until Starfleet  
can reach her parents."

"But-" The Doctor straightened up and forcefully lowered his voice to  
whisper loudly. "I don't have the facilities here! This is a lecture  
theatre! And I'm going to join Captain Janeway's crew tomorrow! How  
can I look after a lost child?"

Deanna shrugged. "We can help. Get a bed for her and some toys… Reg  
can do a search for any other relatives." She nodded at Barclay who  
after a moment of confusion realised she wanted him to nod and agree  
with her. So he nodded his head vigorously and smiled, until he saw  
the dark glower of the Doctor's then he cleared his throat and looked  
at his boots.

Deanna not willing to give up, steered the Doctor away from Reg and  
murmured, "I can sense how much Lana trusts you, Doctor. I really  
think that under the circumstances, if her grandfather is as really  
as ill as you say it would be best for her to stay with a friend…  
Don't you? Someone who could make it easier for her?"

The Doctor glanced between Reg and Deanna. "I always knew I would be  
reduced to this." He groused, but by his tone and stance Deanna knew  
he was resigned.

"To what?" Barclay asked, rising his eyebrows naively.  
The Doctor sank down to the lecture plinth and put his head in his  
hands. "To being an overqualified Flotter."

**********************************  
Two months later…  
Seven of Nine's quarters  
Deep Space Nine.

'Regeneration cycle complete'

Seven of Nine stepped out of her Borg cubicle and blinked twice in an  
effort to orientate herself. Her quarters on Deep Space Nine were as  
sparse and as dimly lit as those she had utilised in the cargo bay on  
Voyager, but there all other similarity ended.

She stretched her arms above her head and sighed, it was still  
difficult for her to correlate the tired enjoyment of waking with the  
residual Borg demand that she be ever vigilant and useful. As it was  
she was already running through the list of her day's duties in an  
effort to displace the guilt that time was being wasted and she  
should attempt to reclaim it as quickly and efficiently as possible.  
However, yet another human flaw held her back. She required a  
nutritional supplement - or 'breakfast' as Chakotay called it.

Recalling the word sent a pang of feeling through her.  
Chakotay had introduced her to the pleasure of `breakfast' as they  
lay together in a gossamer tent on Risa Six. "Breakfast Seven?" His  
voice was as smooth a silk, cool, static-filled as it ran over her.  
She nodded and smiled, watching him, tangled in the sheets of their  
last night's passion, dipping a strawberry in cream before playfully  
pressing it to her full red lips.

"Try it." His smile was infectious as it was wolfish. "You'll like  
it."

He was right. She did like it. She could feel her heart leap to pound  
in her throat as his thumb wiped away the cream... soon followed by  
his warm and pleasant mouth. Oh, he was hypnotic and she was  
mesmerised… She had grown to *like* so much Chakotay had to offer…

The replicator beeped loudly and Seven had to physically shake  
herself away from the memory. Retrieving the metal mug of thick  
liquid with numb fingers she held it carefully in her hands. She had  
been so lost in her thoughts that she was not even aware she had  
ordered it.

In the months since Chakotay had left her, Seven had deduced that the  
failure in their relationship had been hers. She was in such a state  
of sensory overload that she could hardly recall much of their time  
together… It was a testament to his stamina that Chakotay stayed with  
her at all! Clearly she had overwhelmed the man. He was not ready for  
the depth of emotional commitment she required. In truth, she was not  
ready for it herself- but he was so tantalizing and she was so ready!  
In hindsight, it should have been slower, more tentative and far more  
careful… but then… it would not have been Chakotay.

If only she had seen that he would grow tired of her and toss her  
aside when the thrill had gone. If she had foreseen how her demands  
for monogamy, understanding and love would suffocate him, she would  
not be so troubled by remorse now. She should be the one pregnant and  
happy, not some faceless woman from Risa Six! Unconsciously her  
fingers indented the metal of the cup she was holding; only the  
complaining squeak of plastic made her aware of her deed. Forcibly  
she relaxed her grip and tried to dampen the feelings.

What hurt the most was in the end Chakotay had done nothing to hide  
his adultery from her; he used it to show her how stupid it was to  
commit emotionally to anyone person. The news of the woman's  
pregnancy was the last slap in the face before he left. Yet, if he  
had asked to stay-

Oh how she disliked the neediness within her! It ate at her like the  
emotions that were once so well repressed. Some days she longed for  
the click that would cut the emotions off before they overwhelmed  
reason, but the Doctor had wiped away that possibility forever. The  
Doctor…

Sipping the thick fluid Seven looked out her room's window and  
glimpsed the flare of light that indicated the wormhole opening. The  
Doctor had once been her friend and now she could barely think of him  
without a surge of anger. He should have warned her about these  
feelings! Somewhere deep inside she knew she was being an  
unreasonable, like a petulant child who had not got their way, but  
she could not help it. The Doctor for all his fine words should have  
said something… He should have!

She knew they had not parted on the best of terms, the Doctor's  
reticence over her relationship with the real Chakotay and her own  
urgent bubbling feelings of infatuation for the man made their final  
days together brusque and blurred, but still…

Were his words as empty as Chakotay's promises? He said he was her  
mentor! He never taught her how to cope with the feelings. He should  
have said something! The more she thought about it, the more irate  
she grew. If she ever met the Doctor again she would not be held  
responsible for her actions!

Placing the half empty cup back in the replicator Seven breathed out.  
She glimpsed her reflection in the inbuilt mirror on the far wall and  
ran a hand over her hair and down the front of her Bajoran uniform.  
With a quirk of her head she nodded. It was sufficient. Quickly she  
strode out of her quarters, the door closing silently behind and down  
the corridor to enter into the hubbub of the promenade. She had  
duties to perform and wallowing in the dark would not get them done.

Seven had found some comfort and distraction in the tedium of her  
work… She strode along, hands behind her back, nodding at the regular  
customers and shopkeepers she had come to know. Each and every day  
she felt she was winning against the tide of emotion, as much as she  
was against the ring of petty criminals who darkened the stations  
recesses like voles…

Smugly she concluded, that she may not have been taught how to cope  
with the cost of love, but she was finding her own way to work  
through it. Her life was simple as it was drab and uncluttered. And  
in this she took some pride. These were her thoughts as she scanned  
the beings populating the promenade.

Simple and drab… That was until she turned a corner, caught sight of  
someone cheating at Dabo in Quark's bar and walked straight into the  
oncoming form of an EMH.

*****************************  
TBC...


	8. Chapter 8

FF: The Cost of Confession pt9-10

Disclaimers in part one...  
Reworked part nine and added part ten.

***************************************

"Lana…" He jostled the blond moppet about so she could see the  
ex-Borg. "This is Seven of Nine. Seven, this is Lana." His eyes met  
Seven's and they shared a moment of mutual embarrassment. He smiled at  
her and sighed in explanation as he eased the girl down to the floor.  
"Lana is my daughter."

*******************************

Seven's eyebrows rose as her mouth fell open, "Daughter?" She repeated  
the Doctor's words in a hushed voice.

"Yes." He replied giving her a smug look down the end of his nose. "By  
adoption… Fostering at least." His voice was jovial although the  
tension between them persisted. He puffed out his chest proudly. "I'm  
Lana's guardian."

Seven looked at the little girl who was now sitting on the Doctor's  
boots unwrapping a candy bar. She frowned, "What happened to the  
child's parents?"

The Doctor ignored Seven's cold question, reaching down instead to  
touch Lana's head with his hand. The little girl looked up at him with  
a sparkling happy face. Good, at least she had not heard Seven's  
comment. "What is it Poppa Joe?"

Poppa Joe? Seven's eyes widened even more, her head corkscrewing on  
her neck as she stared at the Doctor in utter amazement. He paid no  
attention to her, speaking to the child.

"Lana? Could you please go get Seven one of those candy bars?"  
The little girl wiped her sticky fingers on her stockinged knees and  
immediately climbed to her feet. "Sure." She smiled up at him, giving  
Seven a quick and curious glance, "I'll be right back!" She skipped  
two steps away and spun about, "Stay right there, Poppa Joe!"

"I will." The Doctor smiled indulgently, giving her a little wave as  
she skipped around a corner. Aware that Seven was still boring holes  
through his matrix, he shyly hid the gesture by pretending to rub his  
neck.

"'Poppa Joe'?" Seven demanded. The use of his name from her mouth a  
cruel accusation.

The Doctor slid the ex-Borg a sly glance and gave a tiny shrug, "Lana  
decided I needed a name. She chose it. I'm named after her late  
Grandfather."

Seven's eyebrows rose further, but she said no more. She appeared to  
be a state of shock. The Doctor felt his anger rise and rankle at her  
reaction. Was it so inconceivable that he be a parent? That he have a  
name like anyone else? That someone - even a child - could care for  
him and he for her?

"How did you acquire this child?" Seven's voice was cool, firm and  
unwavering.

The Doctor blinked once as he watched Lana move through the stalls and  
vendors, smiling unconsciously at her precociousness. He kept his tone  
light and airy as if he were explaining the process of mitosis to his  
first year biology class. He did not want to buy into any argument  
with Seven, it would cost too much. It was hurting too much now. "Her  
parents went missing a few months ago. They were surveying some  
asteroids in the Terran Solar system…" He explained. "We aren't too  
clear on all the details as they were notoriously bad in communicating  
their location or their logs to Starfleet Medical…"

His voice trailed off as he saw Seven stiffen in the periphery of his  
vision. Of course Lana's parents would remind her of her own childhood  
and subsequent interactions with the Borg. He did not mean to hurt  
Seven, but somewhere deep inside him a small part of him rejoiced at  
her pain… See, that's how I felt! It commented spitefully. It's not so  
nice is it? He discarded the sense of satisfaction he was feeling as  
soon as he acknowledged it. it was inappropriate for a Doctor to take  
satisfaction in any suffering... even more so to inflict that  
suffering. He continued. "Lana's Grandfather died leaving her with no  
other living relatives. The Family Court in all its wisdom allowed  
Lana to decide with whom she wanted to live." He beamed with pride,  
"She chose me."

Of course, he left out large sections of the story. About how Captain  
Janeway, Deanna Troi and Reg Barclay wrangled from about his status as  
a sentient being, the subsequent Federation case and how he was  
finally made an exemption, a 'special case'. How else could a hologram  
be a human being's guardian? He did not want to dwell on the  
negatives... or the past. He was trying hard to be positive and upbeat  
everyday… for Lana, as much as for himself. This mission with Captain  
Janeway was the first step on the journey in his new life. With Lana  
as his responsibility it seemed a much easier path to follow. He did  
not need Seven and her preconceived notions of him and his  
unworthiness to drag them down. He had made the choice to move on and  
he was going to do it.

Lana found a stall and began the problem of purchasing the right  
candy. He watched her solemnly consider the confectionary and a sudden  
dread ran through him, once the child had found what she was looking  
for, she would come back to him. The Doctor did not want to terminate  
his meeting with Seven in front of Lana. He did not want to risk  
losing his fragile temper or exposing his even more brittle emotions;  
it was difficult enough as it was.

Stiffly he forced his usual well-practised joviality. "Well, it's been  
nice seeing you again, Seven." He could not look at the woman. He  
could imagine her look of arrogant disdain, imagine her thinking: a  
hologram with a human child? Inconceivable! Beginning to move off he  
said, a tight smile on his lips. "I'm sure Captain Janeway would  
appreciate hearing from you, Seven."

If Seven could see his eyes she would be able to tell that the smile  
did not reach his eyes. Nodding over his shoulder he walked away. "We  
remain in space dock for two days picking up supplies. Good bye  
Seven."

It took a moment, but when he was almost two meters away he heard her  
voice, almost picking out a hint of sadness in it's measured tone,  
"Goodbye Doctor."

But, he chided himself that was probably wishful thinking.

**********************************

TBC...


	9. Chapter 9

Disclaimers in part one...

*********************************

It took a moment, but when he was almost two meters away he heard her  
voice, almost picking out a hint of sadness in it's measured tone,  
"Goodbye Doctor."

But, he chided himself that was probably wishful thinking.

**********************************

Captain Kathryn Janeway watched the interchange between the two old  
friends from her position at a table in the upper level of Quark's  
bar. She realised that the tension that had existed between them  
before the Voyager crew had disembarked not only persisted, but had  
grown. She sensed even from the distance at which she sat, there was a  
very real danger the 'old friends', were now rapidly becoming 'new  
enemies'.

Janeway felt a wave of maternal instinct well up in her as she watched  
the Doctor cut up Seven, as if she were a specimen on a surgical slab  
he was coolly dissecting. She was torn for both of them. They had been  
so similar… both were half machine/half 'something', both striving so  
hard to be human. Chakotay and Seven's relationship had hurt the  
Doctor deeply, but Seven could hardly be blamed for being blinded by  
her first real love? Nor could she be blamed for not having the  
knowledge or sensitivity to let the EMH down gently. She held herself  
in check and let them finish their conversation. She had to let them  
sort this out themselves… no matter what the consequences.

Janeway had held high hopes for the newly created Doctor Joseph  
Zimmermann. She had fought for him to become the guardian of Lana and  
to become the Chief Medical Officer on her latest mission to the gamma  
quadrant. She had been shocked and horrified by the treatment the man  
received. He was living in a closet in a lecture theatre! It had cost  
her personally and professionally to stand up and defend the  
hologram's rights in the Federation Council, in the Family Court and  
on one occasion in the street, but she did… simply because of the  
injustice of it all. He did deserve better, but his time had not come.

Like nearly everyone else Captain Janeway had difficulty reconciling  
the man within the machine. Even her own feelings about her Irish  
hologram Michael nagged her. There was always the opinion of the  
Federation in the back of her mind: 'organic beings did not fall in  
love with holograms'. Organic beings that spent too long in holograms  
and 'formed unhealthy attachments with them' were considered deviant,  
addicted and pathological. 'Reg Barclay's' who needed to be forcibly  
socialised outside the holodeck. Captain Janeway did not like to think  
of herself (or any member of her crew) as so limited and isolated…  
Nor could she see Seven allowing herself to be so ridiculed by such an  
association… It made perfect sense to her why Seven choose Chakotay.  
Seven, who underneath it all was so concerned at how the crew of  
Voyager, the Federation and other organic life forms would view her -  
a Borg - the worse of the worst. Seven did not need the added stigma  
of a 'holographic addiction'. It both surprised and saddened Kathryn  
that Seven had enough insight about this to seek out someone not only  
organic but exceptional as a mate, someone powerful and above rebuke,  
someone like Chakotay.

Credit where credit was due…Kathryn tipped her hat at her. The Borg  
knew what she needed to enter society. She was very clever, Janeway  
conceded, but also so very wrong. Chakotay was the most macho male on  
her crew… A man Janeway had toyed with until she realised how  
superficial his tastes were. He was such a narcissistic man. He would  
spout spirituality and claim to know it at one moment while taking  
what he wanted at another. In hindsight, the man was as deep as a  
puddle. He would never stay with one woman longer than to service his  
needs. No matter what Admiral Janeway said, Captain Janeway knew, he  
was simply not built that way.

She had heard about the Doctor's confessions when he thought he was  
decompiling… Who on Voyager hadn't? It had generated quite a bit of  
humorous gossip. Gossip and innuendo that had sustained the crew right  
up until the time they met the Borg hub. The gossip while entertaining  
had not been one of her main considerations at the time and as Captain  
she had tossed it aside.

Guilt and responsibility gnawed at her now. Perhaps someone should  
have told him earlier? Told the Doctor he was deluding himself? He was  
still so young, naïve and insecure, hiding behind a mask of  
affability. In truth, the Captain often wondered about his ability to  
cope with anything beyond the information in his medical databases,  
but he had shown himself to be just like everyone else in her crew…  
vulnerable, courageous and human. She shook her head… more vulnerable  
than most it would seem, when it came to his heart being broken. She  
felt a bad for him. He had been neglected, a member of her crew… She  
was as guilty as everyone of abusing him in his pain for her own and  
her crew's amusement… She should have fought harder and earlier for  
him… at least he would have had some pride.

The discussion the pair was having, was reaching a cold and icy  
closure. Janeway watched Joseph's manner. He was so wounded, but he  
hid it well: his bitter expression, the way he ignored Seven, his  
stance… always the use of a shallow mask to cover up a greater  
turmoil. The ache between the two was almost tangible. She was not  
alone in sensing it, other beings made a wide path about them.

Janeway frowned as finally the Doctor turned away and left Seven to  
crumble. This was not right. There had to be a better way. Quickly she  
climbed to her feet and approached the ex-Borg as her shoulders jutted  
back and she began to bravely stride down the Promenade with her head  
held high.

"Seven?" She caught the woman by the arm and she spun her about,  
quickly noting how thin her arms were and how tired she looked in  
general. She said. "I thought it was you? How nice to see you."  
"Yes." Seven answered, angrily wiping at her eyes. "Captain Janeway. I  
was informed you were here." Seven's pretty face twisted for a moment  
in an effort to control the rage and tears.

Janeway smiled in sympathy, "Yes, I saw." She indicated where Seven  
and the Doctor had been standing. "How are you Seven?" She put a hand  
on her elbow and stopped her, her voice dropping. "I heard about  
Chakotay, I'm sorry."

Seven hardened, her gaze drifting over the heads of the beings that  
bustled up and down the Promenade. "I am fine, Captain." She lied  
beginning to move off again, stepping quickly up some steps, trying to  
get away from the older woman. "Thank you for your concern." She  
stopped outside the security office and looked down, her face pale and  
vacillating. "Please excuse me, Captain. I must report for duty."

"Of course, Seven." Janeway conceded, adding as Seven lingered as if  
she had something to ask her, but could not find the courage to put it  
into words. "I'm having a dinner party tomorrow on board my ship I  
would love for you to come… For old time's sake."

Seven's head ducked as she nodded, "I will consider it." And as she  
entered the Security office, "Thank you."

"Tomorrow at 1900." Janeway persisted, "I'll be expecting you!"  
When the doors closed, Janeway turned away and glared up the Promenade  
to where the Doctor had retreated, her hands fisting at her side.  
"I'll be expecting quite a lot." She muttered moving off into the  
crowds that moved up and down the causeway, allowing herself to be  
lost in the colour and vibrancy of DS9.

**************************  
TBC


	10. Chapter 10

The Cost of Confession pt12

Disclaimers inpart one...

Yippee! Nearly finished!

************************

When the doors closed, Janeway turned away and glared up the Promenade  
to where the Doctor had retreated, her hands fisting at her side.  
"I'll be expecting quite a lot." She muttered moving off into the  
crowds that moved up and down the causeway, allowing herself to be  
lost in the colour and vibrancy of DS9.

**************************

"Colonel Kira Nerys allow me to introduce Dr Joseph Zimmerman, my  
Chief Medical Officer." Captain Janeway smiled between the two, having  
to raise her use her hand to amplify her voice over the noise in the  
cramped stateroom. The Doctor screwed up his face and nodded his  
understanding, smiling at the Bajoran Colonel. Satisfied that she had  
played good hostess, Captain Janeway spotted another couple of guests  
coming in through the door and waved at the couple before she slipped  
away.

"Hello." The pretty Bajoran Colonel shouted over the hubbub. Both she  
and the Doctor were in dress uniforms, she in the saffron uniform of  
Bajor and he in the traditional thigh-length Starfleet tunic with two  
pips on the collar, black pants and boots.

"Oh!" Kira said in surprise, spotting the little girl who clung to the  
Doctor's large hand. "And hello to you too!"

Lana shyly smiled at the woman and slipped to half hide behind her  
guardian's back. The Doctor nodded his greeting, straining his ears to  
hear the woman over the rising noise. The Captain's party was in full  
swing and the sea of people was a living mass of sounds smells and  
shapes. The Doctor firmly held onto Lana's hand and wondered if he  
should think of leaving, putting Lana to bed before she got bored or  
wanted to wander off. "Colonel Kira, this is Lana my daughter." He  
said loudly, pointing down to the girl.

"I heard there were children on this mission." Kira smiled and  
playfully wrinkled her nose at the little girl. "It's nice to meet  
you, Lana." Lana smiled back and wrinkled her nose too and the Doctor  
beamed proudly, giving the little girl's hand an encouraging squeeze.  
"I think I met your creator?" Kira shouted after she considered him  
for a moment.

The Doctor mutely nodded, indicating a couch in corner with his head.  
Lifting Lana up onto the seat, he cleared aside some coats for Kira to  
sit as he sat himself down and Lana plunked herself in his lap. "Louis  
Zimmerman?" Kira settled down in the cleared spot, the noise somehow  
less pounding in this corner, "He and our doctor - Julian Bashir  
spent quite some time together."

"Yes," the Doctor agreed diplomatically. "So I believe. I have an  
extensive collection of Dr Bashir's work in data files. My father was  
very thorough in his research."

Kira's eyes sparkled as she glanced about the stateroom and sipped her  
drink. "Did you know he was also quite a ladies man too?"

The Doctor grimaced, "Yes, Julian and Chief O'Brien went to great  
lengths to tell me! He seemed to like the Dabo girls in particular  
from what I've been told."

Kira nodded and laughed, "Yes, he did!"

"Poppa Joe? Who's the lady talking about?" Lana's voice piped up.

The Doctor smiled and shook his head. "My creator Lana. He died a  
while ago."

The little girl ducked her head to sigh deeply and sadly. The Doctor  
bent down and smiled into the little girl's hair, giving her a quick  
hug as she buried her head into his neck and shuddered. "Her  
Grandfather died recently." The Doctor explained over the noise, "And  
her parents are…" He searched for the right word, "MIA."

Kira frowned. " Oh I'm sorry I didn't mean to upset her."

"You didn't." He murmured. "It's are all part of growing up, being  
sentient, being alive..." He stated jiggling Lana on his knee until  
she giggled. "It's okay to miss people and feel bad. Otherwise those  
you miss were never real in the first place."

Kira nodded, she knew that too well herself. Death and grieving were a  
much part of her childhood, as it appeared to be Lana's. They sat for  
a moment longer in mutual silence while the party noise rose and fell  
and rose again about them. Kira watched Lana twining her fingers  
through the Doctor's and reached out and touched the little girl's  
hand. Mischievous blue eyes looked up at her and Lana playfully  
reached out to touch Kira's hand too.

"I hear you're quite the ladies man too." Kira said finally. Prodding  
the Doctor into offensive curiosity so that he puffed out his chest to  
rebuke any such claim. Quickly she continued, "Seven of Nine. We  
haven't seen her so animated since you had that fight with her a day  
or so ago."

"Oh." The Doctor's mouth became a thin line and he glanced away  
uncomfortably. "I suppose we weren't that discrete."

"No." Kira leant forward and laughed, touching his arm, "But don't  
worry it was good to see. We were getting worried about her. She was  
always so alone…" Then leaning in so she did not have to shout. "I  
think she likes you - a lot."

The Doctor rolled his eyes and shook his head. "She likes me the way a  
child likes a toy." He breathed.

"No!" Kira's dark eyes pierced his. "She likes you…" The Doctor's gaze  
shifted uneasily under Kira's… She had suddenly grown so hard and  
serious; he didn't know quite what to do. "Speaking from experience  
Doctor, don't let her go. Don't let your differences keep you apart.  
Go out and grab her with both hands! And never - ever - let her go!"

"Excuse me?" The Doctor was becoming flustered by this strange woman's  
forthrightness. "I have no idea what you are talking about!"

Kira Nerys sank back further in the couch and sighed sadly, shaking  
her head not at all convinced by his denial. She had seen the Doctor  
and Seven on the Promenade; she knew the score better than anybody.  
She tried a different tack, a more poignant and honest one, "Have you  
heard of Odo? The old Security Chief on DS9?"

"No." the Doctor replied.

"He was what the people of the Gamma quadrant call a 'founder', a so  
called shape shifter." And she saw the recognition come to his face at  
the use of the term. "And he was in love with me." She sighed again,  
paused to look away, sniffed and wiped her nose. "It took a long time  
for Odo to build up the courage to tell me what he felt. In fact-" And  
she let out a curt laugh, "He used a hologram called Vic Fontaine to  
help him!" She smirked and eyed the Doctor, "To cut a long story short  
Dr Joseph Zimmerman, he thought I would be repulsed by his natural  
form…" She smiled, "He thought we were too different. He was wrong. It  
took too long Doctor, but we overcame our differences… Doctor, we  
loved each other… very much."

The Doctor considered her words, his face darkening with sadness as  
his gaze dropped from the Colonel's. Only it wasn't so easy between  
him and Seven. He did not care what the Bajoran thought she saw he  
knew the truth from the horse's mouth. Seven thought he was  
'irrelevant', that any intimate relationship between them 'would be an  
exercise in futility'. Only when Lana shifted in his arms and wriggled  
about did the Doctor move, to whisper into the little girl's ear. "Do  
you want a drink, honey?"

Lana nodded and Kira quickly volunteered. "I'll get it." She stood up  
and straightened her uniform top. "Think about it, Doctor. She may  
not know it, but she's halfway in love with you." Then Leaning down to  
Lana she asked conspiratorially, "Orange or red?"

"Red." She requested firmly.

"Lana?" The Doctor warned automatically, his mind still racing with  
Kira words: 'Halfway in love with him'?

"Please." The little girl slipped down out of his lax arms to eagerly  
clasped Kira's hand. Kira looked at the Doctor and nodded. he did not  
met her eye but watched them disappear in the direction of the drinks  
table.

"Your daughter is very forceful." Seven of Nine's voice spoke suddenly  
from beside him making him jump.

It must be kizmet, he thought, hiding his surprise from Seven he  
pulled back his chin and shoulders, forcing himself not to look at  
her. Think about her and she appears. Captain Janeway must have  
invited her! Why didn't he see her come in? Why didn't he guess this  
would happen? Damn the Captain - was the woman deliberately making his  
life difficult?

Arrogantly he cast a glance up at Seven, preparing to discard the  
woman with an acerbic comment, but as soon as he laid eyes on her all  
words, all his hard and brutal resolve dried up, died and blew away…

His eyes widened and his jaw fell open… Why did he look at her? Why?  
She was an angel, an angel who stood before him in silver and white  
with a spray of white flowers in long flowing golden hair. As their  
eyes met briefly for an instant there was a jolt of feeling that  
pricked the back of his eyes, making them water with desperate  
emotion. She was stunning… vulnerable, almost unsure, as if at any  
moment she would take flight at the wrong word, the wrong move... and  
he was gaping at her like a love struck fool.

********************************  
TBC......


	11. Chapter 11

Disclaimers in part one...

*********************************

It took a moment, but when he was almost two meters away he heard her  
voice, almost picking out a hint of sadness in it's measured tone,  
"Goodbye Doctor."

But, he chided himself that was probably wishful thinking.

**********************************

Captain Kathryn Janeway watched the interchange between the two old  
friends from her position at a table in the upper level of Quark's  
bar. She realised that the tension that had existed between them  
before the Voyager crew had disembarked not only persisted, but had  
grown. She sensed even from the distance at which she sat, there was a  
very real danger the 'old friends', were now rapidly becoming 'new  
enemies'.

Janeway felt a wave of maternal instinct well up in her as she watched  
the Doctor cut up Seven, as if she were a specimen on a surgical slab  
he was coolly dissecting. She was torn for both of them. They had been  
so similar… both were half machine/half 'something', both striving so  
hard to be human. Chakotay and Seven's relationship had hurt the  
Doctor deeply, but Seven could hardly be blamed for being blinded by  
her first real love? Nor could she be blamed for not having the  
knowledge or sensitivity to let the EMH down gently. She held herself  
in check and let them finish their conversation. She had to let them  
sort this out themselves… no matter what the consequences.

Janeway had held high hopes for the newly created Doctor Joseph  
Zimmermann. She had fought for him to become the guardian of Lana and  
to become the Chief Medical Officer on her latest mission to the gamma  
quadrant. She had been shocked and horrified by the treatment the man  
received. He was living in a closet in a lecture theatre! It had cost  
her personally and professionally to stand up and defend the  
hologram's rights in the Federation Council, in the Family Court and  
on one occasion in the street, but she did… simply because of the  
injustice of it all. He did deserve better, but his time had not come.

Like nearly everyone else Captain Janeway had difficulty reconciling  
the man within the machine. Even her own feelings about her Irish  
hologram Michael nagged her. There was always the opinion of the  
Federation in the back of her mind: 'organic beings did not fall in  
love with holograms'. Organic beings that spent too long in holograms  
and 'formed unhealthy attachments with them' were considered deviant,  
addicted and pathological. 'Reg Barclay's' who needed to be forcibly  
socialised outside the holodeck. Captain Janeway did not like to think  
of herself (or any member of her crew) as so limited and isolated…  
Nor could she see Seven allowing herself to be so ridiculed by such an  
association… It made perfect sense to her why Seven choose Chakotay.  
Seven, who underneath it all was so concerned at how the crew of  
Voyager, the Federation and other organic life forms would view her -  
a Borg - the worse of the worst. Seven did not need the added stigma  
of a 'holographic addiction'. It both surprised and saddened Kathryn  
that Seven had enough insight about this to seek out someone not only  
organic but exceptional as a mate, someone powerful and above rebuke,  
someone like Chakotay.

Credit where credit was due…Kathryn tipped her hat at her. The Borg  
knew what she needed to enter society. She was very clever, Janeway  
conceded, but also so very wrong. Chakotay was the most macho male on  
her crew… A man Janeway had toyed with until she realised how  
superficial his tastes were. He was such a narcissistic man. He would  
spout spirituality and claim to know it at one moment while taking  
what he wanted at another. In hindsight, the man was as deep as a  
puddle. He would never stay with one woman longer than to service his  
needs. No matter what Admiral Janeway said, Captain Janeway knew, he  
was simply not built that way.

She had heard about the Doctor's confessions when he thought he was  
decompiling… Who on Voyager hadn't? It had generated quite a bit of  
humorous gossip. Gossip and innuendo that had sustained the crew right  
up until the time they met the Borg hub. The gossip while entertaining  
had not been one of her main considerations at the time and as Captain  
she had tossed it aside.

Guilt and responsibility gnawed at her now. Perhaps someone should  
have told him earlier? Told the Doctor he was deluding himself? He was  
still so young, naïve and insecure, hiding behind a mask of  
affability. In truth, the Captain often wondered about his ability to  
cope with anything beyond the information in his medical databases,  
but he had shown himself to be just like everyone else in her crew…  
vulnerable, courageous and human. She shook her head… more vulnerable  
than most it would seem, when it came to his heart being broken. She  
felt a bad for him. He had been neglected, a member of her crew… She  
was as guilty as everyone of abusing him in his pain for her own and  
her crew's amusement… She should have fought harder and earlier for  
him… at least he would have had some pride.

The discussion the pair was having, was reaching a cold and icy  
closure. Janeway watched Joseph's manner. He was so wounded, but he  
hid it well: his bitter expression, the way he ignored Seven, his  
stance… always the use of a shallow mask to cover up a greater  
turmoil. The ache between the two was almost tangible. She was not  
alone in sensing it, other beings made a wide path about them.

Janeway frowned as finally the Doctor turned away and left Seven to  
crumble. This was not right. There had to be a better way. Quickly she  
climbed to her feet and approached the ex-Borg as her shoulders jutted  
back and she began to bravely stride down the Promenade with her head  
held high.

"Seven?" She caught the woman by the arm and she spun her about,  
quickly noting how thin her arms were and how tired she looked in  
general. She said. "I thought it was you? How nice to see you."  
"Yes." Seven answered, angrily wiping at her eyes. "Captain Janeway. I  
was informed you were here." Seven's pretty face twisted for a moment  
in an effort to control the rage and tears.

Janeway smiled in sympathy, "Yes, I saw." She indicated where Seven  
and the Doctor had been standing. "How are you Seven?" She put a hand  
on her elbow and stopped her, her voice dropping. "I heard about  
Chakotay, I'm sorry."

Seven hardened, her gaze drifting over the heads of the beings that  
bustled up and down the Promenade. "I am fine, Captain." She lied  
beginning to move off again, stepping quickly up some steps, trying to  
get away from the older woman. "Thank you for your concern." She  
stopped outside the security office and looked down, her face pale and  
vacillating. "Please excuse me, Captain. I must report for duty."

"Of course, Seven." Janeway conceded, adding as Seven lingered as if  
she had something to ask her, but could not find the courage to put it  
into words. "I'm having a dinner party tomorrow on board my ship I  
would love for you to come… For old time's sake."

Seven's head ducked as she nodded, "I will consider it." And as she  
entered the Security office, "Thank you."

"Tomorrow at 1900." Janeway persisted, "I'll be expecting you!"  
When the doors closed, Janeway turned away and glared up the Promenade  
to where the Doctor had retreated, her hands fisting at her side.  
"I'll be expecting quite a lot." She muttered moving off into the  
crowds that moved up and down the causeway, allowing herself to be  
lost in the colour and vibrancy of DS9.

**************************  
TBC


	12. Chapter 12

The Cost of Confession pt12

Disclaimers inpart one...

Yippee! Nearly finished!

************************

When the doors closed, Janeway turned away and glared up the Promenade  
to where the Doctor had retreated, her hands fisting at her side.  
"I'll be expecting quite a lot." She muttered moving off into the  
crowds that moved up and down the causeway, allowing herself to be  
lost in the colour and vibrancy of DS9.

**************************

"Colonel Kira Nerys allow me to introduce Dr Joseph Zimmerman, my  
Chief Medical Officer." Captain Janeway smiled between the two, having  
to raise her use her hand to amplify her voice over the noise in the  
cramped stateroom. The Doctor screwed up his face and nodded his  
understanding, smiling at the Bajoran Colonel. Satisfied that she had  
played good hostess, Captain Janeway spotted another couple of guests  
coming in through the door and waved at the couple before she slipped  
away.

"Hello." The pretty Bajoran Colonel shouted over the hubbub. Both she  
and the Doctor were in dress uniforms, she in the saffron uniform of  
Bajor and he in the traditional thigh-length Starfleet tunic with two  
pips on the collar, black pants and boots.

"Oh!" Kira said in surprise, spotting the little girl who clung to the  
Doctor's large hand. "And hello to you too!"

Lana shyly smiled at the woman and slipped to half hide behind her  
guardian's back. The Doctor nodded his greeting, straining his ears to  
hear the woman over the rising noise. The Captain's party was in full  
swing and the sea of people was a living mass of sounds smells and  
shapes. The Doctor firmly held onto Lana's hand and wondered if he  
should think of leaving, putting Lana to bed before she got bored or  
wanted to wander off. "Colonel Kira, this is Lana my daughter." He  
said loudly, pointing down to the girl.

"I heard there were children on this mission." Kira smiled and  
playfully wrinkled her nose at the little girl. "It's nice to meet  
you, Lana." Lana smiled back and wrinkled her nose too and the Doctor  
beamed proudly, giving the little girl's hand an encouraging squeeze.  
"I think I met your creator?" Kira shouted after she considered him  
for a moment.

The Doctor mutely nodded, indicating a couch in corner with his head.  
Lifting Lana up onto the seat, he cleared aside some coats for Kira to  
sit as he sat himself down and Lana plunked herself in his lap. "Louis  
Zimmerman?" Kira settled down in the cleared spot, the noise somehow  
less pounding in this corner, "He and our doctor - Julian Bashir  
spent quite some time together."

"Yes," the Doctor agreed diplomatically. "So I believe. I have an  
extensive collection of Dr Bashir's work in data files. My father was  
very thorough in his research."

Kira's eyes sparkled as she glanced about the stateroom and sipped her  
drink. "Did you know he was also quite a ladies man too?"

The Doctor grimaced, "Yes, Julian and Chief O'Brien went to great  
lengths to tell me! He seemed to like the Dabo girls in particular  
from what I've been told."

Kira nodded and laughed, "Yes, he did!"

"Poppa Joe? Who's the lady talking about?" Lana's voice piped up.

The Doctor smiled and shook his head. "My creator Lana. He died a  
while ago."

The little girl ducked her head to sigh deeply and sadly. The Doctor  
bent down and smiled into the little girl's hair, giving her a quick  
hug as she buried her head into his neck and shuddered. "Her  
Grandfather died recently." The Doctor explained over the noise, "And  
her parents are…" He searched for the right word, "MIA."

Kira frowned. " Oh I'm sorry I didn't mean to upset her."

"You didn't." He murmured. "It's are all part of growing up, being  
sentient, being alive..." He stated jiggling Lana on his knee until  
she giggled. "It's okay to miss people and feel bad. Otherwise those  
you miss were never real in the first place."

Kira nodded, she knew that too well herself. Death and grieving were a  
much part of her childhood, as it appeared to be Lana's. They sat for  
a moment longer in mutual silence while the party noise rose and fell  
and rose again about them. Kira watched Lana twining her fingers  
through the Doctor's and reached out and touched the little girl's  
hand. Mischievous blue eyes looked up at her and Lana playfully  
reached out to touch Kira's hand too.

"I hear you're quite the ladies man too." Kira said finally. Prodding  
the Doctor into offensive curiosity so that he puffed out his chest to  
rebuke any such claim. Quickly she continued, "Seven of Nine. We  
haven't seen her so animated since you had that fight with her a day  
or so ago."

"Oh." The Doctor's mouth became a thin line and he glanced away  
uncomfortably. "I suppose we weren't that discrete."

"No." Kira leant forward and laughed, touching his arm, "But don't  
worry it was good to see. We were getting worried about her. She was  
always so alone…" Then leaning in so she did not have to shout. "I  
think she likes you - a lot."

The Doctor rolled his eyes and shook his head. "She likes me the way a  
child likes a toy." He breathed.

"No!" Kira's dark eyes pierced his. "She likes you…" The Doctor's gaze  
shifted uneasily under Kira's… She had suddenly grown so hard and  
serious; he didn't know quite what to do. "Speaking from experience  
Doctor, don't let her go. Don't let your differences keep you apart.  
Go out and grab her with both hands! And never - ever - let her go!"

"Excuse me?" The Doctor was becoming flustered by this strange woman's  
forthrightness. "I have no idea what you are talking about!"

Kira Nerys sank back further in the couch and sighed sadly, shaking  
her head not at all convinced by his denial. She had seen the Doctor  
and Seven on the Promenade; she knew the score better than anybody.  
She tried a different tack, a more poignant and honest one, "Have you  
heard of Odo? The old Security Chief on DS9?"

"No." the Doctor replied.

"He was what the people of the Gamma quadrant call a 'founder', a so  
called shape shifter." And she saw the recognition come to his face at  
the use of the term. "And he was in love with me." She sighed again,  
paused to look away, sniffed and wiped her nose. "It took a long time  
for Odo to build up the courage to tell me what he felt. In fact-" And  
she let out a curt laugh, "He used a hologram called Vic Fontaine to  
help him!" She smirked and eyed the Doctor, "To cut a long story short  
Dr Joseph Zimmerman, he thought I would be repulsed by his natural  
form…" She smiled, "He thought we were too different. He was wrong. It  
took too long Doctor, but we overcame our differences… Doctor, we  
loved each other… very much."

The Doctor considered her words, his face darkening with sadness as  
his gaze dropped from the Colonel's. Only it wasn't so easy between  
him and Seven. He did not care what the Bajoran thought she saw he  
knew the truth from the horse's mouth. Seven thought he was  
'irrelevant', that any intimate relationship between them 'would be an  
exercise in futility'. Only when Lana shifted in his arms and wriggled  
about did the Doctor move, to whisper into the little girl's ear. "Do  
you want a drink, honey?"

Lana nodded and Kira quickly volunteered. "I'll get it." She stood up  
and straightened her uniform top. "Think about it, Doctor. She may  
not know it, but she's halfway in love with you." Then Leaning down to  
Lana she asked conspiratorially, "Orange or red?"

"Red." She requested firmly.

"Lana?" The Doctor warned automatically, his mind still racing with  
Kira words: 'Halfway in love with him'?

"Please." The little girl slipped down out of his lax arms to eagerly  
clasped Kira's hand. Kira looked at the Doctor and nodded. he did not  
met her eye but watched them disappear in the direction of the drinks  
table.

"Your daughter is very forceful." Seven of Nine's voice spoke suddenly  
from beside him making him jump.

It must be kizmet, he thought, hiding his surprise from Seven he  
pulled back his chin and shoulders, forcing himself not to look at  
her. Think about her and she appears. Captain Janeway must have  
invited her! Why didn't he see her come in? Why didn't he guess this  
would happen? Damn the Captain - was the woman deliberately making his  
life difficult?

Arrogantly he cast a glance up at Seven, preparing to discard the  
woman with an acerbic comment, but as soon as he laid eyes on her all  
words, all his hard and brutal resolve dried up, died and blew away…

His eyes widened and his jaw fell open… Why did he look at her? Why?  
She was an angel, an angel who stood before him in silver and white  
with a spray of white flowers in long flowing golden hair. As their  
eyes met briefly for an instant there was a jolt of feeling that  
pricked the back of his eyes, making them water with desperate  
emotion. She was stunning… vulnerable, almost unsure, as if at any  
moment she would take flight at the wrong word, the wrong move... and  
he was gaping at her like a love struck fool.

********************************  
TBC......


	13. Chapter 13

Disclaimers in part one...

************************

She was an angel, an angel who stood before him in silver and white  
with a spray of white flowers in long flowing golden hair. As their  
eyes met, briefly for an instant there was a jolt of feeling that  
pricked the back of his eyes, making them water with desperate  
emotion. She was stunning… vulnerable, almost unsure, as if at any  
moment she would take flight at the wrong word, the wrong move... and  
he was gaping at her like a love struck fool.

***************************  
Seven nodded. "She is very fond of you." She stated, the quiver in the  
Borg implant above her brow the only physical indication that she was  
nervous.

"She is?" The Doctor's voice came from very far off and he blinked  
when he realised he had spoken. Dear God, she was so gorgeous… and  
uncertain… And he was dumbstruck… and his programme was racing,  
skipping data, becoming totally out of control.

"Yes…" Seven gave him a jerky smile. "Joseph."

The Doctor stood up. He had to leave. He could not stand this! No way  
could he go through another episode of humiliation at this woman's  
hands! But the sound of his name from Seven's lips put him in stasis,  
froze him in time and place, he could not move. Slowly, torturously he  
closed his eyes, replaying the sound of his name on her lips again and  
again- a million times would not be enough - He felt the rising tide  
of need that came with the sound, he wanted her… he wanted her so  
much…

He opened his eyes, facing her and she in turn became very still. Her  
lips trembled and she flicked him an anxious look. He had to say  
something, nervously he touched his brow and said, "Is that so?"

Looking not at her eyes, he found his gaze concentrated on her mouth  
as it opened and the pink tip of her tongue poked out to wet the full  
bottom lip. He sensed the air burning up in his chest as he stared at  
her and his voice came out cracked by the heat, almost begging.  
"Annika?"

She winced in pain and blinked away. Instantly an icy realisation  
washed over the Doctor, he had over stepped the mark. He looked down  
at the floor, his vision blurry. Closing his eyes, he dared not look  
at the beautiful woman before him. He had done it again… played the  
fool. At any moment he expected her to sweep past him with a dry and  
cutting remark. When she did not move he stood, like a criminal  
awaiting the axe, waiting for her to say something trite and  
supercilious like 'it is to pointless give holograms names, they are  
objects not people'. He wanted her to reject him - again.

Idiot! Brutally he scolded himself. You deserve this! He wanted her to  
be scathing and abrupt. He was pushing her away… He was doing it on  
purpose. He wanted a reason to hate her.

"He never called me by my real name." Seven spoke over the noise,  
making his ears ring with her softly spoken words. Her voice was so  
personal, only for him, it sent a spark sizzling throughout all his  
parameters until his fingers tingled… and made him look up at her in  
growing disbelief.

He had to know she was not toying with him. He would not let her play  
with him again. This time he had to be sure. He was so easily blinded.  
Please, he begged. She had to be sincere, he could not trust himself.  
He held back his head to search her face, her expression and her  
beautiful sky blue eyes. He was guarded… until he knew for sure, knew  
that the Bajoran Colonel had been right… For Seven of Nine was smiling  
at him, only at him, and it was a real smile that invited him in.

Incredibly he found himself smiling back, nervously at first, then  
really grinning, his vision swimming and blurred. Her smile was  
intoxicating. She was smiling at him! Not holding back anymore ... and  
it was all for him. He could not believe she was letting him in. It  
made no sense… She had said his feelings were 'irrelevant'… His knees  
felt weak and his simulated heart flipped. Physically he let his stiff  
posture relax and released a long and ragged breath. What was she  
doing to him now? His eyes fell to her full lips again, flicked back  
to her eyes. He felt himself exhaling almost falling towards her he  
wanted to kiss her-

No, not like this! He blinked, a newfound control, replacing his once  
carefree impulsiveness. Not in public where I can be embarrassed. I  
will not be belittled in front of Lana! He stopped and shook himself  
away. This was not real. This was a disaster! He could not trust  
himself and he certainly could not trust her! Again he forced himself  
to remember all the snide comments Chakotay and Seven had shared at  
his expense, the looks they cast his way. In the end, he made himself  
remember the terrible way she discarded his feelings.

No. Not like this.

"He was a fool." He said and did not know if he was talking about  
himself or Chakotay.

A flicker of pain ran across Seven's face, her smile lost and her brow  
creased in thought.

Oh no, the Doctor winced. Why did he say that? Why did he keep saying  
things that hurt her and pushed her away? Was he that vindictive and  
shallow? Did he need to rub her nose in it? Remind her of the  
disastrous relationship with Chakotay? Was his bitterness so  
overwhelming? Did he need to remind her of the man she lost… and how  
he was no man at all?

Seven's voice was soft, forgiving, wrapping him a blanket of security,  
"He was?"

"Yes." He nodded, trying to dislodge the dry lump in his throat. His  
mind racing… she was taking pity on him that was it! He needed to  
leave, to avoid her…. But, was she encouraging him? Was this some sort  
of erotic transference from Chakotay to him? He felt as if he were  
trembling - as if the pattern of his photons had shifted, incorrectly  
refracting the light. This was not real!

"I too was foolish." Her words made him look at her then, hard in  
question his brow creasing between his dark eyebrows into two dark  
disbelieving lines. She looked away from his scrutiny. She looked  
down, a blush darkening her cheeks. "I didn't know how to cope with  
the feelings. I was flawed from the beginning." She looked up at him,  
her eyes darkening with emotion. "Why didn't you tell me?"

Why didn't he tell her? He almost laughed. That was it. He concluded  
with a bitterness that disappointed him. It was about her and what she  
needed again, this had nothing to do with him.

"You seemed happy." He stated, feeling his heart being squeezed in a  
vicelike grip, knowing that it was weak and insufficent argument. But  
what else could he do? He needed to save face somehow. A lick of anger  
whipped him; he needed to make her pay! "I didn't want to interfere."  
That was bald-faced lie, he wanted to interfere, but what was the  
point? She was in love with Chakotay… not with him, never with him and  
nothing was ever going to change that… but he couldn't tell her the  
truth… Not again, how could he?

"It hurt." A tear detracted from the intensity of Seven's gaze.

The Doctor stood very still, seeming to coolly observe the tear  
trailing down her cheek. But inside he was breaking. She never cried,  
never… Never. Fighting the compulsion, finally he gave in, reaching  
out as though afraid, yet unable to stop himself he touched her cheek,  
running his fingertips lightly along her jaw to wipe the tear away.

"Annika…" His voice had grown hoarse and his fingers trembled. She was  
hurting and he had caused it. Was this what he had wanted to do? If it  
was, it was an empty victory… It was not the emotional response he  
wanted from her. It was not what he wanted at all.

To hell with it! Maybe she was right? Maybe he was worthless outmoded  
technology? Maybe he needed to be junked. He certainly felt like it.  
"I'm sorry. I couldn't be your friend, Annika. I was-" He paused,  
swallowing his pride. "I was pompous, spiteful, shallow. I was ashamed  
and jealous. It was too much to see you happy with a man…" His look  
dropped with his hand and he confessed. "Knowing you never wanted…" He  
was gulping. "It was too hard for me to see you in love… when I-" He  
closed his eyes, "When I was in love with you myself."

They both stood there for a few seconds, not looking at each other as  
the happy loud sounds of the party carried on unabated about them,  
pounding music vibrating through their feet, aching in their bones.

"I think I treated you badly, Joseph." Seven said finally, her hands  
clasping together before her. "For that I apologise."

"Annika…" He was shaking all over, but he could give a damn. "I'm  
sorry. So sorry if I've made you uncomfortable…" His voice trailed  
off, losing its normal timbre. Sneering, he muttered, his look bitter.  
"I'm only a hologram... You once told me that my feelings were  
irrelevant and they are. They-" He cleared his throat, "I can be  
erased at any time…" His self-deprecating smile was unsure and  
wavering. Emotionally he glanced up to Seven trying to catch her eye,  
but still she was not looking at him; her beautiful head bowed down,  
revealing the curve of her neck. "Annika?"

"No." And now Seven looked up at him, her blue eyes black, her face  
contorted, almost in pain. "No Joseph!" And she grabbed the back of  
his neck and pulled him close, hugging him fiercely. Startled the  
Doctor began to pull back from this uninvited embrace, but then,  
before he could blink, her soft lips found his.

One thought looped through his head: She was kissing him… He processed  
this thought as her mouth covered his and her tongue prodded and  
prized open his weakened mouth; a moment later he exploded with need,  
almost blacking out with the overload of sensation. She was kissing  
him!

Grabbing her by the shoulders, Joseph felt her trembling under his  
hands, felt her mouth moving over his, her cheeks slick with cool  
tears. No longer able to think, no longer able to control the streams  
of data that spun within him, he acted. He kissed her back - hard -  
demanding. He kissed her. Pressing his lips down on hers, he kissed  
her… Kissed her until there was no doubt about how he wanted her…  
Kissed her like a man who wanted a woman. Kissed her until the woman  
under his hands was hot, soft and weak against him.

Swaying, nearly unable to stand Seven felt herself enfolded and moved  
down onto the couch. She opened her eyes to find Joseph solemnly  
gazing at her, his thumb tracing her bruised lips, while his fingers  
twined into her glorious golden hair, pushing it from her face. The  
small white flowers in her hair cascaded down between them, crushed  
they released their sweet scent.

The Doctor was looking at her hard and serious and she blinked  
realising he was expecting her to reject him... How could she want  
him? His gaze said. Furtive, afraid and insecure, she sensed his  
thoughts… How could she want him after everything they had said and  
done? In answer Seven reached up and cupped his face. I want you… Her  
look told him as her fingers traced the lines by his nose. I always  
have… She chastely kissed his cheek, the line by his nose, his chin  
and finally his mouth, moaning softly, "Joseph…"

She saw how her voice affected him, made his dark eyes smoulder as he  
moved to plunder her mouth again and she smiled. This time he was  
softer, gentler, not so afraid, but he still drove the air out of her  
lungs in heated gasps. She felt her breasts flatten against his chest,  
his large careful hands moving from her shoulders sweeping down to  
warm the small of her back. Her hands trailed over him, he was so warm  
and solid and he radiated something Chakotay for all his expertise in  
lovemaking could not… Seven did not know what it was, but it was there  
in this man, surrounding her, making her calm and stable.

The Doctor held her against him, kissing her, not letting her fall… He  
tried not to think, not to rationalise the consequences, he tried to  
store all this away in his memory… as if there was only one truth in  
the universe, one answer to everything, he loved her, he loved her so  
much… He kissed he gently, losing himself in her…

The sound of clapping and whistling finally broke them apart. It  
penetrated Seven's hearing with a sudden pang of horror and she gently  
pushed on the Doctor's chest making him sit back and gaze into her  
blue eyes in wonder and awe. He looked down quickly; his uniform pants  
had grown suddenly very tight and uncomfortable. He had never felt  
anything like it before and was dumbfounded. She smiled at him,  
sensing his confusion and slid her arm about his waist, leaning on his  
shoulder…

"We have an audience, Joseph." She told him softly, making him look  
away from her towards the crowd who were standing about them grinning  
and whistling.

"Yes." His face flushed with emotion, realising in a wave of relief  
that his tunic hid his erection. "So it would seem." He managed to  
clear his throat even though his head was still dazed and buzzing.  
Subroutines kicked, reorienting him to his surroundings and he saw the  
sea of faces looking at them. Drawing Annika in next to him he glared  
belligerently back; but now they had stopped kissing most of the  
people had dispersed.

"Joseph…" Annika touched his fisting hands. "You don't have to protect  
me." And smiled at him, wiping away the frown. "But thank you."

He opened his mouth to protest but before he could respond Captain  
Janeway emerged from the milling crowd, grinning like a Cheshire cat,  
clapping her hands happily, "Well!" She dipped her head and muttered  
to the pair, "About time." Then patting the Doctor's arm she asked.  
"Come see me later Doctor, for a coffee? I think we will have lots to  
talk about."

"Yes Captain." The Doctor nodded, still dazed, still amazed that Seven  
of Nine was sitting next to him, holding his hand. "I'm sure we will."

"Wow… Poppa Joe!" Lana bounced forward, her mouth stained with a  
large red ring from her drink, she added breathlessly, "You were  
kissing! That was pretty hot!"

The Doctor looked mortified. "Hot?" He stated, shifting uneasily in  
his seat, but not letting go of Seven's hand. "Lana, I don't think  
that's appropriate."

"Indeed?" Annika stated with a wry look, tilting her head at the child  
and the Bajoran Colonel who came up behind her. She added in a whisper  
in the Doctor's ear, squeezing his fingers meaningfully. "What was  
inappropriate Joseph? Kissing or the fact that I can do hotter?"

The Doctor jerked in shock, and the ex-Borg suppressed a smile, saying  
a bit more loudly, an innocent look on her face. "Don't you believe  
me, Joseph?"

He gave her an anxious look, "Annika…" He gulped. "I believe you! But  
please!"

"Ah, at this point I think I'll say goodbye." Kira stated, a knowing  
smile on her face, leaning into to say, "Doctor? When I said 'Both  
hands' I didn't mean here - in public." And she straightened  
chortling.

The Doctor ducked his head his face bright red, managing to splutter,  
"Thank you Colonel!" Kira waved off his words with a grin and a shake  
of her head before departing into the crowd.

Seven gave him a questioning look. "'Both hands'?"

"Long story…" He muttered as Lana began to climb onto the couch. He  
moved to one side so the little girl could sit between them.

"I'm tired." Lana laid her head against the Doctor's chest and to  
prove her point she yawned loudly and moaned, "Can we go home yet?"

The Doctor looked from the top of Lana's head to Annika's, his look  
unsure, almost fearful. "Do you want to?"

Seven touched Lana's head with her augmented hand and after a moment  
she smiled. "Yes Joseph. I do." And she stood up, waiting for him to  
climb to his feet, a little girl clinging to his neck before she said.  
"Take me home."

*****************************  
TBC?????????????????????????????


	14. Chapter 14

Disclaimers in part one...

****************************  
Seven touched Lana's head with her augmented hand and after a moment  
she smiled. "Yes Joseph. I do." She stood up, waiting for the Doctor  
to climb to his feet, a little girl clinging to his neck, before she  
said. "Take me home."

*****************************

"And this is the replicator…" The Doctor indicated the machine set  
into the wall, twitching a smile as he nervously turned to meet  
Seven's eye, Lana asleep and oblivious in his arms.

Seven considered him coolly, hands behind her back, legs straight and  
braced, but her typical pose was lost in the flow of her beautiful  
white and silver dress. "I am acquainted with the standard equipment  
of Starship quarters, Joseph." She said frowning. The Doctor was  
behaving oddly; clearly her being here was disturbing him.

Joseph had been behaving peculiarly ever since they left the party.  
Walking with him to his cabin, she had respected the sudden change in  
atmosphere between them. However, she noted it seemed to be annoying  
to him. Every now and then she caught him looking over the child in  
his arms to her, only to flick his glance away with an angry set of  
his mouth before either could say anything.

As she walked she wondered where the mounting sexual tension had gone  
and how it had mutated into this jittery unease? The need for silence  
seemed paramount, so she complied with it, not touching him, not  
linking her arm with his as they used to do. With the silence, the  
distance between them grew, so that by the time they reached his  
quarter's Seven wondered what she was doing there and if she should  
leave. But something made her stay. Perhaps it was the memory of his  
kiss. Perhaps it was curiosity. Perhaps it was the feeling that only  
he gave her… Perhaps whatever it was between them persisted and  
overrode all else.

"Ah, yes. Of course." He patted Lana's back. "I'll- I'm going to put  
Lana to bed. Please… " He glanced about the room as if he was  
searching frantically for something, finally saying tentatively. "Make  
yourself at home."

"Very well." Seven replied watching as he walked past her, noting how  
he hesitated for a moment, before heading towards Lana's bedroom.

Left alone Seven glanced about the living area, noting the features  
that Joseph had pointed out, the couch, the pictures of Lana's family,  
the darkened doorway of the bathroom and finally the open and dark  
doorway of his room. She ran her augmented hand along the back of the  
couch as she looked into the dimly doorway of his room, she could just  
make out the outline of a desk and a bed. At the sight of the bed a  
delicious shudder tingled through her. She wondered what he'd be like  
in bed? Good? Bad? Considerate? Practised? The fact that he had  
extensive data on xenoanatomy and had demonstrated a considerable  
knowledge of mating rituals she had no doubt. He also knew about her  
anatomy too - intimately - having recreated her human form all those  
years ago…

Visions of his hands flitted through her head and her thoughts grew  
needful, but for all his knowledge… she had never seen him use it.  
Abruptly her musings were blacked out by reality. Perhaps that was why  
Joseph was so nervous, she thought, an eyebrow lifting. Perhaps he was  
unsure of how to proceed?

Chakotay was never like that. He could move smoothly into sex as  
easily as if he were flipping through screens on a comm. But then  
Chakotay managed to smooth over so much to get what he needed… He  
smoothed over her until the fabric of what she was almost disappeared.  
He smoothed over the truth, the other woman, her rights and feelings.  
It was a measure of her desperation to be more for him, to be  
everything he ever wanted… Sadly she knew in hindsight, it was not  
something she or any woman could ever attain…

But the Doctor… she grimaced in disbelief, had once told her during  
one of their 'social lessons' that he had been romantically involved.  
He must know how to proceed? Surely, he must.

"Lights 25%." The Doctor whispered as he pulled back the covers of  
Lana's bed, dislodging her Flotter doll in the process. Lana moaned  
tiredly and clung to his neck, "Come on, honey." He whispered at her  
protest. "Time for bed." He gently prized the little girl's hands off  
his neck and rolled her off his shoulder. She sat slumped on the edge  
of the bed. "Let's get these things off." He said as he began the  
task of deftly removing her shoes. He pulled off her tunic next,  
leaving her in stockings, top and with a halo of frizzed hair. "You  
take off the rest." He told her.

"Poppa Joe…" Lana complained, flapping a hand at him to make him stop,  
"Wanna go sleep."

"Lana… " He said gruffly, then sighed in defeat as she flopped onto  
his neck again. "Very well. But first thing in the morning you are  
going to have a shower. Look at your face!" He pushed her back,  
looking at her grubby hands and face, eyeing her suspiciously. "What  
were you eating this evening?"

"Poppa Joe…" Lana whined, weakly swatting at him again. "Wanna go  
sleep."

"I know, honey…" He breathed. "Let's get these hairclips out first?"  
Carefully he undid the hair accessories avoiding pulling her hair as  
she lay down. "Here's Flotter." He plunked the doll next to her.  
Instantly Lana grabbed the toy, cuddling up to it as she sucked her  
thumb. "Night." He pulled the blankets up to her chin, brushed hair  
away from her forehead and kissed her. "See you at breakfast."

"Night, Poppa Joe…" The little girl's voice faded off into sleep.

"You are very good with the child." He found ex-Borg standing at the  
door.

"And why shouldn't I be?" He said brusquely, too brusquely. "I'm  
sorry, Annika." He apologised when he saw the hurt look on her face.  
"Under the circumstances…" Seven moved away and turned her back on  
him, and he followed as he urgently tried to explain, "I've become  
very defensive." What was he doing? She did not want to hear what had  
happened to him since they had been on Voyager! Frankly he did not  
want to recall it.

"Clearly." The woman said, still offended and still not looking at  
him.

His hands rose to touch her shoulders, only to fall uselessly at his  
sides. This was a disaster! Where were his social skills now? Angry  
with himself he balled up his hands and circled about her, going to  
couch where he stood with his folded his arms, facing the darkened  
door of his room. His gaze dropped instantly when he saw what he was  
looking. "This is a mistake." He said, giving her a quick look.  
"Please, you should go."

"Joseph?"

"I think you should leave." His shoulders tensed as he inhaled, his  
face becoming fixed. "This is a mistake."

Seven stared him. "I see no error, Joseph." Firmly she strode up to  
him, tilted her head and repeated with a glare. "I am not leaving,  
Joseph."

"Annika?" His face shifted with trepidation and wide-eyed disbelief.  
"I'm a hologram. You said-"

She knew precisely what he was doing. The Doctor said he had been  
romantically involved in the past, but even in her limited experience  
of relationships Seven knew that it was probably not as romantic as he  
had hoped, nor as intimate… She could guess why. None of it came out  
particularly favourable for the female involved. He had been hurt  
then, later by her and now, wanted to be hurt again. He was utilising  
bluster to hide his deeper insecurity and to reject her. She saw this,  
accepted it and discarded it in a matter of nanoseconds. So he wanted  
her to leave before he was in too deep and his sensitive feelings  
could be exposed again? Unfortunate. She was staying.

"I said innumerable things before the implant was deactivated,  
Joseph." She spun away from him and went towards his darkened bedroom.  
"You have a bed." She observed as the room was illuminated upon her  
entrance into the room.

"Most quarters do." He replied defensively, his posture was crumbling.

Ignoring him she went to his inbuilt wardrobe. "You have clothes?" She  
stated, her voice drawing him to the doorway. He stood and watched her  
dumbfounded as she went through his closet, one by one critically  
assessing his selection of uniforms and casual clothes.

"Yes." He answered, fighting the fluttering in his chest as he hands  
ran down the sleeves of one of his uniforms, "Deanna Troi-"

He saw the raise of an eyebrow and the look that went with it. He  
explained. "My counsellor- thought it best that I emulate human  
behaviour as closely as possible for Lana's benefit so I wear clothes.  
Reg Barclay and I altered my programming so that I appear to eat,  
drink, sl-sleep…" His voice stammered over the last word as he found  
himself looking at the standard issue double bed. Quickly he flicked a  
glance at Seven. Apparently she had not heard his slip as she was  
still immersed in his wardrobe. "In short, I behave as every normal  
human parent should." He ended strongly, his chin jutting out  
slightly.

"I concur that is probably the best course of action, " Seven primly  
closed the wardrobe doors and stepped out into the centre of the room.  
"However, " She said finally. "You are not human."

"No." He agreed his eyes dropping for a moment. "I'm not."

"I am not human either." And she fixed him with a stare as if testing  
him somehow. "I am part Borg."

"Yes." The fluttering in his chest exploded into one almighty ache. He  
was growing impatient with whatever game she was playing, he added  
testily, "I know that, Annika." How could he forget? He had recreated  
her body; knew every curve, every hair follicle… Shocked, with his  
anger came arousal and he felt his dress pants grow tighter again. Did  
the woman have any idea what she was doing to him?

"We are very alike, Joseph." She came up to him, stood right before  
him, her gaze dropping down his tunic. He gulped knowing full well  
that his dress uniform hid any bulge from her prying eyes. "Both part  
machine, part human…"

"We are?" He gazed at the top of her head, trying to slow down his  
thoughts, which tripped over each other in their haste to be  
processed. His mouth felt dry, the whine of his processes loud in his  
head. "You think I'm part human?" He asked his voice suddenly deeper.

Seven did not answer, going to the bed, her back to him she ran her  
hand along the standard issue blue cover until she reached a small  
pile of folded up clothes. "What are these?" She held up the garments,  
examining them, feeling the fabric between her fingers.

"My pyjamas." He explained weakly, blushing with sudden embarrassment.  
"I wear them at night while I'm-" He paused, indicated the bed,  
mumbling. "Sleeping. So if Lana needs me in the night…" His voice  
trailed off and he finished with a shrug and a twitch of his mouth. "I  
wear them while I'm in bed."

Seven thought about this for a moment, then demanded, shoving them at  
him. "Put them on."

"Seven!" He gasped, blinking. "I beg your pardon?"

Seven said it again, her voice laden with meaning, "Put them on,  
Joseph." And she approached him, reaching for his collar, tugging him  
into her body as she undid the first two concealed buttons. She felt  
his need for her hard against her thigh. "I will have a shower while  
you…" She arched an eyebrow and added. "Get into bed."

***************************  
TBC maybe...


	15. Chapter 15

Disclaimers in part one...

***************************

Seven said it again, her voice laden with meaning, "Put them on,  
Joseph." And she approached him, reaching for his collar, tugging him  
into her body as she undid the first two concealed buttons. She felt  
his need for her hard against her thigh. "I will have a shower while  
you…" She arched an eyebrow and added. "Get into bed."

***************************

Kathryn Janeway was very pleased with the way her little soirée had  
turned out. Already halfway through the evening she had made valuable  
contacts with the Bajorans and some Cardassians. Gathering first hand,  
valuable information about the Founders and their influence over the  
gamma quadrant. Yes, her evening had gone very well indeed, as had the  
Doctor's; she smiled in satisfaction as she sipped her glass of red  
wine. It was about time that the universe righted itself, she thought.  
She was right in the midst of a self-congratulatory glow… Nodding to  
people as they walked past, noting how the crowd had thinned… when  
someone spoke her name behind her. Automatically she turned at the  
sound of her name. It was only then that it all threatened to come  
tumbling down in one almighty heap.

"Kathryn."

"Chakotay?" She hid her surprise by swallowing a mouthful of wine and  
then uneasily smiling. "Chakotay…" She repeated taking in the man  
before her. The man had not changed one bit! In fact if anything he  
looked trimmer, more tanned and happier than ever. Janeway could not  
but made the comparison with Seven of Nine and her pale, strained and  
emaciated state… Yet again, Chakotay had come out for the better.  
"How- what are you doing here?" She demanded.

Chakotay chuckled and cast his gaze about the room. "Catching up with  
some old friends." He said obliquely but Janeway knew instantly he was  
here to see his old Maquis cellmates, "I heard about your ship being  
docked and…"

"And?" She prodded as she watched him take in Colonel Kira Nerys with  
a predatory eye… and discarding her as soon as their eyes made  
contact. Janeway almost chuckled herself at the sneer that the Bajoran  
passed his way.

"And I decided to catch up with you." He smiled.

I'm sure you did. Kathryn thought, "How nice." She said.

"You don't seem very happy to see me Kathryn?" He accused, but there  
was no emotion in the words.

"Oh?" She replied, tilting her head and forcing a smile. "It must be  
impending mission weighing on my mind."

"Have you seen Seven?" He asked, not looking at her and scanning the  
crowd. "I heard she was here."

Kathryn felt an anger build up in her like a ball of rolling steam.  
"Yes." She replied, "Seven was here. She left with someone."

If her words had any impact it was just to give the man pause.  
"Really?" He breathed, looking at her now. "Who was it? Anyone I  
know?"

Janeway ducked her head to sip her wine. She could lie, but  
unfortunately Chakotay knew her well enough to know when she was  
bluffing and he would simply go and ask someone else… Her mind raced,  
she could see no way not to betray Seven and the Doctor. She set her  
jaw and looked back at him. "Seven left with Dr Joseph Zimmerman,  
Chakotay." There was a slim chance the man would not know who she was  
talking about, but by the glimmer of comprehension in Chakotay's eyes  
she knew her weak ploy had failed.

"The EMH?" He was almost grinning, his teeth flashing momentarily,  
finding the very idea incredibly funny.

Oh, how she wanted to wipe that smirk off his face! "Yes."

"When will she ever learn?" He sighed shaking his head, his voice  
light. "She needs a real man."

Janeway could not believe the man she had once called friend and  
colleague would sink to such cruel and unnecessary depths. He may have  
intended to pass judgement on Seven and the Doctor but what he had  
actually done was pass comment on himself. In response she felt her  
quiet fuming erupting into an angry retort, but Captain Sisko  
introducing a Bajoran luminary, interrupted this before she could even  
open her mouth, "Captain, I would like to introduce Kai Pah Mec."

Flustered Janeway turned to face Benjamin Sisko, Commander of DS9 and  
Eminence of the Bajoran people and the small saffron robed figure of a  
woman at his side.

Quickly, the exchanging pleasantries over she turned away to give full  
vent to her spleen, only to find that Chakotay- the object of her  
anger- had completely disappeared.

****************************  
TBC...


	16. Chapter 16

FF Cost of Confession pt16

Disclaimers in part one...

*************************  
Quickly, the exchanging pleasantries over she turned away to give full  
vent to her spleen, only to find that Chakotay- the object of her  
anger- had completely disappeared.

****************************

The Doctor was fighting down a bad case of nerves as he tried to  
button up his pyjama top. Normally, with his surgical programming he  
would not have spared a nanosecond of thought on the small smooth  
buttons slipping into the innumerable tiny holes. But tonight, for  
some strange reason he had great difficulty even trying to do them up;  
worse, he was not able to complete the task! It was somehow impossible  
to align the buttons with the right holes or in the correct order! He  
paused and frowned at his trembling hands. He was just about to curse  
and toss the pyjama top away when his door chime rang out in the air.

"Who could that be?" He muttered, growing increasingly irritated.  
Leaving his pyjama top open he paused as he entered the living area  
and cautiously stretched his neck checking to see if the bathroom door  
was still shut. Good, he relaxed it was still closed.

The door chime buzzed again and he fixed it with a steely glare. It  
was not uncommon for crewmen on his deck to 'happen by' at the end of  
their shift; usually for advice about some ache or pain they somehow  
'could not manage' take to Sick Bay. Often he would swiftly redirect  
them to the correct place, but sometimes he sensed that the crewman  
was lonely and just wanted to visit the only family on this deck, so  
he let them linger… He knew about being alone and he wouldn't wish it  
on anybody.

"I'm off duty!" He hissed as the door slid open, wondering how he had  
allowed this 'visiting' precedent to grow. He should have set firmer  
boundaries. "There are three other Doctors on board ship. One of them  
is on dut-" He stopped as soon as he saw the man standing there. His  
mouth fell open as he heart figuratively tumbled out of his matrix and  
onto the floor. "Command-" He stopped, "Chakotay?"

"Interrupting anything?" The man asked easily, his knowing gaze  
swiftly taking in the cabin and the EMH's state of undress.

"Ahhh..." The Doctor released a garbled sound and then gathering  
himself together, managed to jerk his pyjamas closed to stare at  
Chakotay in utter astonishment. "What are you doing here?"

Chakotay ignored him and his question; he was transfixed by something  
behind the Doctor's back. "Seven?" His voice was like dark chocolate  
bittersweet, insinuating and melting and a warm and radiant smile grew  
on the man's tanned.

The Doctor peered over his shoulder and saw Annika standing by the  
couch. She had emerged from the bathroom and (if it were possible) was  
even more gorgeous than before. Clad in his blue silk dressing gown,  
her cleavage was revealed by the long low suggestive 'v' of its folds  
and her golden hair was fluffed out, framing her flushed beautiful  
face.

Joseph looked at Annika looking at Chakotay and he felt himself  
shrivelling into nothing. Chakotay stepped over the threshold and the  
Doctor felt himself become numb to all feeling as if the man had just  
stomped on his holographic heart.

"Chakotay." Seven said jerking her head at the last syllable as if to  
accentuate it's meaning.

"I heard you were here." Chakotay continued, looking about the room,  
nudging aside the Doctor as he faced her. "Thought we could talk?"

"Is that so?" Annika's tone made Joseph look up and study her face.  
Her eyes were big, bigger than he had ever seen them, bluer too. A  
rush of sensation came back to him and his heart kick started,  
flip-flopping in his chest. Her skin had paled and he noted that her  
augmented hand had fisted. Her next words were icy, "We have nothing  
to discuss, Chakotay."

Joseph could have laughed with relief. Annika continued to stand  
resolutely behind the couch, her hands now clutching the front of the  
dressing gown, crushing the silk in an effort to hide her body from  
Chakotay's gaze.

"Seven? I want you back." Chakotay attempted to shift further into the  
room. His tone growing more soothing and conciliatory, but he found  
his way blocked by the Doctor's hand in the middle of his chest.

In annoyance the man glanced down at the hand that was splayed out on  
his chest then up into the Doctor's uncompromising face. "Get out of  
my way!" He growled his face twisting into a look of hostility all  
pretence at pleasantness vanishing. "You trumped up holodeck  
character!" He hissed, "When will you ever get it into your system?  
Seven grew out of you a long time ago. She's beyond your stupid  
parlour games. She wants a real man now she wants flesh and blood. Not  
some 3D parody!"

Looking over to Seven Chakotay raised his hands and sighed, "You want  
me Seven you know you do. All those mornings on Risa, remember?  
Remember how you needed me? Remember how you wanted me too?"

"I recall," The woman replied coldly, "But now I wish to forget."

"With a hologram, Seven?" Chakotay jeered and gave a short cruel  
laugh. "He's not even real!"

Seven did not reply. She simply blinked owl-like at Chakotay and  
straightened her back further.

Chakotay sensing a shift in his favour relaxed against the Doctor's  
hand. "Come on." His voice was soft, gentle and convincing, "Get  
dressed Seven. We'll talk. Grab a coffee?"

The Doctor did not dare look behind him having sensed the change  
between them too. Lowering his head slightly he closed his eyes  
against his folly. His heart stopped beating and began to grow cold.

When Seven did not answer Joseph considered dropping his restraining  
hand from Chakotay's chest. However some sense of duty stopped him,  
that and the fact that he was programmed to be heroic when the need  
arose. So he decided, he would continue to stand there 'like a fool'  
until he was sure, until he heard it from her lips that she was going  
to leave him and go back to Chakotay.

As it was, Seven's words were not long coming.

"We have nothing further to discuss, Chakotay."

The Doctor's face lit up with amazement and he lifted his head to met  
Chakotay's eyes glimpsing a brief shocked denial before they were  
taken over again by recalcitrant pride.

Annika moved about the room, coming to stand behind the Doctor. She  
considered Chakotay in obvious distaste, telling him curtly, "Leave.  
Before I am forced to call Security."

"Don't be ridiculous, Seven!" Chakotay's hand came up, wrapped about  
the Doctor's wrist. "Come on!"

Chakotay tried to tug the EMH's hand away as he simultaneously lurched  
bodily forward. Seven seeing his intended action, moved quickly out of  
reach. Meanwhile Joseph, his eyes burning with newfound rage pulled  
the man back and shoved him hard up against the wall.

"Stop!" The Doctor ordered, using his forearm under Chakotay's chin to  
prevent any further movement. "That's enough!"

A shocked and dismayed Chakotay gasped as his fingers tried to loosen  
the grip the Doctor's forearm had on his throat.

"I may be only a hologram, Chakotay," The Doctor eased back on the  
pressure on the man's larynx. "But I under duress I can modify my  
matrix at will. Currently I am functioning as if we are all in a much  
lighter gravity. Do you understand what that means?"

"Yes." Chakotay croaked.

"Good." Then Joseph very carefully as if measuring his words, his  
expression getting more and more dangerous continued, "I think its  
fair to make the assumption that Annika doesn't wish to speak to you,  
Chakotay. In fact," he added warming to the subject, "I think I can  
presume she doesn't want anything more to do with you. Do you  
understand that, Chakotay?"

"Yes." The man spluttered, his face reddening so much the lines of his  
tattoo were lost. "Okay…" He sagged. "I'll go. Leave."

"Very good." Seven replied from the other side of the room. "A  
security detail will assist you in leaving this vessel."

The Doctor, his mouth grim, removed his arm from Chakotay's throat and  
watched the man sag down before him, looking up he saw the security  
team approaching. Seven must have alerted them during their  
altercation.

"Goodbye Chakotay." He said quietly. "I would appreciate it if you  
forgot that we were ever acquainted."

Aware of the Security team Chakotay fell back, his hands raised as if  
he had never attempted any violence. He cast the Doctor a bitter look,  
"Sure." Then to the ex-Borg, massaging his cricoid cartilage. "We were  
good together Seven. Remember that when you get tired of this piece of  
trash. Give me a call!" And he left the doorway, moving down the  
corridor trailed by two of the four-man security detail.

*******************************  
TBC... SMUT next, I promise ; )


	17. Chapter 17

Disclaimers in part one...

A teeny-tiny bit of ADULT content. You have been warned.

************************  
Aware of the Security team Chakotay fell back, his hands raised as if  
he had never attempted any violence. He cast the Doctor a bitter look,  
"Sure." Then to the ex-Borg, massaging his cricoid cartilage. "We were  
good together Seven. Remember that when you get tired of that piece of  
trash. Give me a call!" And he left the doorway, moving down the  
corridor trailed by two of the four-man security detail.

*******************************

Joseph spoke briefly with the two other Security people, agreeing that  
he would see them tomorrow with the details of Annika's complaint.  
Finally, feeling as if he needed to defrag he was able to quietly  
close and lock the door.

Facing the living area Joseph half expected Annika to be sitting on  
the couch waiting for him, but she was no where to be seen… He  
frowned, glanced at the bathroom; the door was open and light off. He  
frowned again wondering how she could have left. How could she?

"Joseph?" Annika's voice made him turn about, it took him a moment to  
realise it was coming from his bedroom. With some trepidation he  
approached the room and peeked in.

"Hi." He said weakly, waving his fingers at her.

Annika was lying on his bed in his bedroom with the lights on full.  
She was demonstrably naked under a layer of thin dark covers. He could  
almost see every line, curve and mound of her body and he felt his own  
respond at the sight of her.

"Joseph?" She said giving him a very Borg look. "You wish to enter?"

"Ah." He replied, blinking for a moment as to what she meant. He cast  
a furtive glance down to his crotch, his pyjama bottoms were  
thankfully baggy enough to forgive many sins, until he realised she  
had not meant anything so carnal, she had been asking him whether he  
wished to enter the room. "No…. I mean - Yes, yes." His mouth formed  
an unsure smile as his brows lifted. "Not too upset by our visitor?"  
He blithely asked, trying to hide his faux pas.

"No." She smiled. "Are you going to stay in the doorway all evening,  
Joseph?"

"No." And his smile and brows dropped as he stepped over the  
threshold. "See? I'm in!" he quipped. But as the door closed swiftly  
behind him his nerves got the better of him and he jumped. Annika's  
ordering the ambient lighting to drop 15% and its instant response  
startled him again.

By his dark-adapted eyes, the Doctor could see his bedroom furniture,  
the shadow of the woman in his bed and through the windows the stars  
about Bajor and the glow of one of its moons. He could have  
accommodated his ocular signals to starlight as day, but somehow he  
did not want to. He wanted whatever happened here to be like this -the  
peaceful starlit dark.

"You have a preferred side of the bed? For sleeping on?"

Standing in the shadows, Joseph straightened up and replied, "The  
right side." He heard her shifting about on the bed and dared to look  
down upon her. He glimpsed a pale shadow of a limb and glanced away.  
"Annika…" His voice sounded weak, almost whiny and he hated it, "I  
have to tell you something-"

"Do you wish to fuck me?"

"What?" His eyes shot open wide and he stared down at the bed in the  
general direction of Annika's head, all thoughts of embarrassment  
gone. "I beg your pardon?"

"Do you wish to-"

"Annika!" The Doctor fumbled about and approached the bed, stepping on  
something cool and smooth on the floor that could only be the pool of  
his discarded silk dressing gown before bumping his knees on the edge  
of the bed. "Ooph! No! No, I don't want to f-fff-" He gave up and  
pleaded. "I want…" He muttered, "I would like to make love to you."

"Irrelevant. They have the same meaning."

"No, they do not!" He said feeling along the bed and plunking himself  
down near the pillows. "One is a profanity to describe the sexual act.  
The other -" He flapped his hands about. "Has some emotional depth to  
it. It conveys the emotion of love behind the act itself."

"'Fuck' has emotional depth to it." Annika replied shortly, "I have  
heard it resound emotionally on a number of occasions. The most  
notable being the time Chief Engineer B'Elanna Torres found Lieutenant  
Paris-"

"Annika…" Joseph shook his head and sighed. His gaze far away and  
disappointed he looked at her. She was lying on her side facing him  
and he could imagine her puzzled frown. "Where did you learn - that  
word? That phrase?"

"Chakotay used it before we copulated." She replied slowly. "You find  
the term offensive?"

"Yes." He nodded, thinking, he should have known Chakotay had  
something to do with this! This was going to be much harder than he  
thought.

"Joseph." Annika's voice seemed softer, huskier and he sensed her  
joking with him, "I will refrain from using the term. However, I think  
you should note that it has served its purpose."

"What do you mean?" The Doctor demanded getting annoyed turning his  
head sharply to look at her as she actually started to giggle. He saw  
her move about the bed saw the sheets dropping away from her body as  
she sat up revealing her stunning body fully to his sight. He gulped  
as he stared unable to drag his eyes away. She was so beautiful…  
smiling at him, her mouth open slightly, hair shining and body backlit  
by the stars. Only when she began to crawl towards him did he shut his  
eyes and turned away.

A moment later he felt her drape her arms about his shoulders, her  
breasts pressed hotly into his back. He stiffened in dreadful  
anticipation.

"It got you into bed," she breathed in his ear, her hands trailing  
down his arm, pulling the still undone pyjama top off.

"Annika-" He began to explain again, but she nipped his earlobe and  
all words vanished in a fiery rush of sensation.

"Shush Joseph." She whispered, tossing the pyjama top away and running  
her hands boldly over his chest. Feeling him respond to her touch,  
feeling the crispness of his chest hair, feeling the rising heat and  
tension humming through his body. "Proceed."

*************************  
TBC ; )


	18. Chapter 18

Disclaimers in part one...

Sorry, had this idea and couldn't help myself... PG rating

*************************  
"Shush Joseph." She whispered, tossing the pyjama top away and running  
her hands boldly over his chest. Feeling him respond to her touch,  
feeling the crispness of his chest hair, feeling the rising heat and  
tension humming through his body. "Proceed."

*************************

Captain Janeway quietly listened to the whispered debriefing from her  
head of Security. "Thank you Ms Farr." She said, "In this case I feel  
you acted very appropriately." The woman nodded and moved away,  
attempting to be as inconspicuous as possible in her Star Fleet  
security uniform in the middle of a party.

Setting her face Kathryn Janeway glowered. So, Chakotay had been  
escorted off the ship. Little wonder, she decided, his behaviour  
sounded appalling. What did the man think he was doing? Was he that  
arrogant to think that he could just turn up and Seven would forget  
everything? If this incident demonstrated one thing, it was that  
Chakotay really knew very little about the Borg woman at all. In fact,  
it showed that the man really had no inkling about women in general!

Feeling slightly peckish the Captain moved towards the buffet table  
but not before the entire stateroom was plunged into darkness. In the  
space of a blink the backup power systems came online, the lighting  
and systems surged on, restoring themselves and Captain Janeway had  
commed the bridge.

"Status, Number One?" Janeway asked aware that people were milling  
about, murmuring and looking at her for answers.

"We had a power surge, Captain." The woman's voice responded, the  
sounds of internal ship sensors binging in the background. "It appears  
we had an overload in one of the computer banks. Not a large surge,  
more of a spike, but big enough to disturb all systems on board ship.  
We are back on main power."

"Which system overloaded?"

Number One replied after a long pause. "The Medical database,  
Captain." There was the sound of typing and computer bleeps. "There  
was a distinct spike about 1.35 minutes ago lasting 33 seconds in  
the…" Her voice trailed off and returned as she was reading.  
"Emergency Medical Hologram Ver. 1.0. That's Doctor Joseph-"

"I know who it is, Number One."

"Ma'am, Dr Zimmerman is still active, do you wish for me to deactivate  
him from the Bridge?"

Janeway looked puzzled. What on earth was he doing? O- Oh… her face  
brightened with a smile. "No, Number One." Her smile grew into a small  
embarrassed grin. "That won't be necessary. Carry on."

"Very well, Captain." And the commlink ended. "It's alright everyone."  
Kathryn put down her glass and waved her hands at the crowd. "It was  
nothing, a minor power surge. Everything's fine, please stay, eat,  
drink. Continue to enjoy yourselves." And she picked up her glass and  
took a gulp, thinking: just like two other people I know are.

*********************************  
TBC...


	19. Chapter 19

FF Cost of Confession pt19 NC-17

Disclaimers in part one...

Adult content follows. Please do not read if not of age in your  
region.

"Very well, Captain." And the commlink ended. "It's alright everyone."  
Kathryn put down her glass and waved her hands at the crowd. "It was  
nothing, a minor power surge. Everything's fine, please stay, eat,  
drink. Continue to enjoy yourselves." And she picked up her glass,  
took a gulp, thinking just like two other people I know!

*********************************

Joseph closed his eyes as he sat on the edge of the bed, feeling the  
intimacy of warm skin as it smoothed across his back. From behind him  
Annika's hands were exploring his chest, skimming down his chest  
following the line of his hair as it darkly whorled down his stomach  
to the band of his pyjama pants. She told him to proceed, but how was  
he supposed to do that? He knew the mechanism of seduction, the way in  
which it should be done, but the art was beyond him.

"Annik-" He was going to beg her, but his supplication was cut off by  
the fullness of her mouth and the swift movement of her body as she  
lay across his knees. Pressing herself against him, her nakedness hard  
into his chest he knew he could no longer hide his arousal from her…  
nor did he want to.

Answering her kiss, his hands slid up the curve of her back,  
supporting her, feeling the static heat static of her skin against  
his. His matrix quivered as she shifted under his hands. He held her,  
exploring her mouth with his own, making her breathless and senseless.  
His data stream cycled into a crescendo of white noise. She pressed  
her breasts into him, a marshmallow softness moulding the shape of his  
chest in contrast to the nubbins of her erect sensitive nipples. He  
boldly slipped his hands to her hips spanning her roundness with his  
fingers, squeezing and gripping her to him.

Breaking the kiss Seven huskily indicated his pyjama pants with a  
lilting look. "This garment should be removed." Moving she knelt  
before him, hands smoothing up his thighs to the pulsing heat of his  
clothed erection. "Joseph?" She leant forward to kiss the jumping  
muscles of his stomach as she snaked her hand into his pyjamas to  
gently grasp his member. "Shall I assist you?"

The Doctor could not reply, his mind was fizzing with sensation. What  
was she doing down there? Oh… It felt so good! In disbelief he  
groaned, opening his eyes to look down on her. God only knew why Louis  
Zimmerman made him anatomically correct! But who cared about that now!  
She was caressing him. He could see the blurry outline of his penis  
bobbing in her hands. Alternating strokes that carefully squeezed him  
until he was almost overloading with strange and new sensations. This  
was unbelievable! Why hadn't he done this before? He knew the answer,  
because he had never trusted or loved anyone before. Not like this,  
not enough for this to happen. Never would he have let anyone strip  
him so bare… until her, until Seven of Nine, the woman he loved…  
Annika Hansen wanted him back.

Seven's blond head dipped, he felt her breath puff out and then the  
unbelievable sensation of her mouth… hot, so hot and soft, enclosing  
his head. His thoughts screamed into one flat line of need as he  
jerked in surprise, instantly she stopped and held him, looking up  
into his face.

"I will go slower." She stated, noting his working chest. She adjusted  
her ministrations, but it was almost too much. Seven paused until  
Joseph wanted it all back in one almighty rush. Oh yes…. Yes… He  
touched her head and trailed his fingers through her hair encouraging  
her on. Oh yes, yes, yes!

A nervous thought flickered through his head, quelling some of the  
pounding pleasure as she continued, her tongue doing things he could  
hardly process. Was she comparing him to Chakotay? He licked at the  
beads of sweat that had formed on his top lip. Would he ever live up  
to the macho man's dimensions? How could he ever compare to the  
over-experienced human male?

He opened his eyes again and watched as Seven, a smile playing about  
her lips loved him. She was pale and voluptuous. Her breasts invited  
his touch, sylph-like, an Aphrodite rising from the waves bathed in  
alien starlight and he - He was behaving like a complete idiot! Did he  
want to worship her or did he want her as a woman?

"Annika…" He managed to croak, grasping her hands in his. Pulling her  
to him - off the imaginary pedestal he had put her on. Shedding his  
pants, he took control. He pushed her back on the bed, her blond hair  
fanning out about her head like a hazy amber sunset. "Finding your  
heart…" He kissed her, moving down to suckle at her breasts. His voice  
was muffled, vibrating against her smooth soft flesh, "is the surest  
road to individuality…" He covered her waiting body with his, easing  
her thighs open to lay between them, the heat of her sex hot against  
his belly. His voice grown rough and broken, "And I have found it with  
you Annika…"

"Join with me, Joseph." Her hands pulled him towards her. He complied,  
his face masked in wonder.

He was so different, so right… there was no pain, discomfort or  
unease. It was easy with Joseph… She trailed her hands over his  
shoulders, neck, chest and taut backside lost in the satisfying  
sensation of him. He did not feel so different from Chakotay, he felt  
like a man, but there was something so fundamentally different about  
the Doctor's way of loving her compared to the ex-Commanders and it  
had nothing to do with his relative inexperience. It was the way he  
was with her. She did not have to pretend with Joseph as she did with  
Chakotay, there would never be any rebuke for any errors in her  
behaviour. He loved her. Once she thought the word irrelevant, but its  
truth had finally won out…. Love… it meant something. Joseph was  
'loving' her now.

Her body was distracting her from her thoughts again. Coherence was  
difficult. Primed her sensations took over; a climax was at her nerve  
endings… tingling and waiting. Joseph had dropped his head on her  
shoulder, grunting, shoving her hips back, speeding up, possessed, he  
was getting close. Never in her wildest dreams could she have ever  
imagined the Doctor like this. Lost in the wash and surge of gasps and  
moans, moving to a timeless rhythm, face cast in deep inward  
concentration, eyes closed and mouth agape. He was so exposed, so  
different and so lost in her… as she was lost in him. "Annika!" His  
voice choked. "Oh Anni…"

She soothed him, running her hands over his head and neck as he  
pounded into her. He started to stiffen. She felt him loosen his hold  
on the here and now, arching his back, face contorting. She felt her  
own answering rise of pleasure building deep within, threatening to  
burst at any moment… When he pushed into her one last time, lost,  
completely lost, juddering, crying out her name, his whole body  
glowing a sudden starburst of white-hot yellow she was cascaded into  
the light too…

"Joseph…" She moaned finally opening her eyes, the light pulsing and  
fading away. Catching his wide-eyed stare she clutched him in a panic,  
Borg tubules escaping her augmented hand and inserting into his  
matrix. "Joseph?"

"I-I'm fine," He breathed. "In the words of Tom Paris: 'wow!'" He  
blinked out of his daze and gave her a lop-sided smile. "I believe…"  
His gaze darted about for a moment, "I will have to run a diagnostic.  
Yes, a long and very detailed diagnostic." He studied her face. "Are  
you alright, Annika?" He touched her cheek lovingly, tracing the line  
of the implant above her eye. "I didn't hurt you? I lost track of  
you- I mean, was I… adequate?"

"You demonstrated the difference between 'to fuck' and 'to make love  
to' very effectively, Joseph. And yes, I am functioning within my  
normal parameters, thank you." Carefully he eased off her and snuggled  
into her side. "However," She said, giving him pause to prop himself  
up on an elbow and look down at her, his short hair sticking out at  
all angles. "I believe we will need to repeat the experience to  
ascertain how well you function in the future."

"Annika?" The Doctor whined his face collapsing into sadness. He knew  
it! He had ruined it with his inexperience and need. "I'm sorry-" He  
began, but her hand came up and fingers pressed his lips closed,  
stopping him from speaking.

"Allow me to finish, Joseph." Seven smiled. "If you perform as well as  
you did this evening I believe this ship's integrity maybe bought into  
question."

There was a long silent pause as her hand fell from his mouth. He  
caught it and gripped it tightly, giving it a shaky squeeze. "Really?"  
He said lightly, his voice betraying hidden emotion. He summoned up an  
arch look, the corners of his mouth twitching. "I was that good?"

"My recollection is fading, Joseph." Seven pouted, "I believe we will  
need to repeat the experience to ascertain the salient details."

"What if I resist?" He murmured, pulling her hand to his lips, his  
mouth vibrating against the sensitive skin of her wrist.

"Joseph." Seven smiled, then playfully twirled a finger through his  
chest hair, "I am Borg." She grabbed the back of his neck and pulled  
his mouth to hers. "Resistance is futile."

***************************  
tbc…. ?


End file.
